Why I no longer update my blog

1. Two kids

2. No energy

3. No time

enough said!

I know how painfully long it has been since I wrote something. And although I do not want to rant or ramble or justify my absence, I'll say one thing - I am tired of vigorously dumping this blog in the folded creases of my priority list. 

Husband says I need to have some patience and give it some time. How much time I ask. Two years at least, he says. 

Honestly, I lack patience. I cannot wait for two years to reclaim my blogging freedom. I miss connecting with this space, it's like I miss being myself even for a while. I know, I signed up for this motherhood thing, but is there a way I can enjoy a little of both? 

Let me not blame this entire lack of motivation/ time onto my two precious kids either. Since the time I created an FB page for my blog, I have been scared to update it. While I did very well know that strangers would read, I didn't anticipate how strange the strangers would be. No, I didn't have any incidents. The prospect however, that some person called "Sundar Sundar" with a murderous look on his dp, from a country which I had never even heard of, would even see my page was unimaginable. 

I am also thinking of getting myself a brand new page. I am so tired of blogger and its lack of excitement. I see all these interesting blogs (of varied topics) and I'm blown by how beautifully they are presented. Now being out of touch, I have to learn a lot! I mean A LOT! This takes time, which puts me back to square one, point 3. No time. Yet, I am determined this time to push myself beyond procrastination and past bedtime and work on it. 

I plan to keep the new page a little less personal and more where I can share and gather few bits of knowledge. This page will be functional too :) Cannot abandon it; I have got my feelings involved with this one ;)

If you read all this, then a heartfelt thanks to you! It's good to know I'm still in the running. Shower me some love, leave a comment. And I promise to keep y'all updated on my page. 

The Motherhood Challenge - What I think

I would have by now done the "Motherhood Dare/ Challenge" that's doing rounds on FB, had I not stumbled upon a few blogs/ articles that were not completely in agreement of the concept. 

I am sure most of you have already seen, if not actually done the so called challenge. For those who have no clue, here's the deal (copy pasted from where I was nominated)

The Motherhood dare! (I accepted)

I was nominated to post a picture that makes me happy/proud to be a mom...I'm going to tag the ladies that I think are fabulous mothers, and can rise up to the challenge of posting a pic of their own. If I've tagged you as one of the awesome moms, copy the text and paste it to your wall with a picture, and tag more moms!

Well, that's the deal. You have to RISE UP to the challenge of posting a pic with your bub. Now the blogs that I read, seemed to have a gotten a little upset over this, and empathize with those women who have suffered a miscarriage (once or maybe repeatedly); women who are trying hard to concieve; women who have lost a child. The general impression I got from those blogs was that this challenge is unfair to women who are not as fortunate as the rest who are uploading an innocent picture of themselves with their kids. 

My take on the entire issue is slightly different. While I am going to be blunt about it, I, in no way intend on being hurtful or insensitive to anyone who has gone ahead to do the challenge, or to those who would love to but cannot. 

The thing is, this is social media. It is a place where all the gloss and glamour of ones life are highlighted. It's all about showing everyone the good side of your life and getting a kick out of rising likes and comments. No one stops to think if their good news is going to hurt someone else. I mean, why will they, because they just want to tell everyone what they have achieved/ seen/ done/ bought..

It is not just limited to being or not being able to be a mother. I understand that I am treading on a very delicate subject here. However, there's nothing one can do but choose to ignore it if you don't like it. This is just one face. There are many people who feel dejected over others achievements/ happiness. 

Consider a few examples (i think a few of these I wrote in the comment to one of the blogs)

Ex getting married while you are still wallowing in the past

A student who was denied visa checks out his friend's graduation snaps at the university he was accepted to do his Masters

A single girlfriend checks out her married best friend's snap who is also a mother of three

and that married friend checking out her single friend's photos and check ins, clubbing into the wee hours of the night, her perfect figure intact; while she is up all night feeding the infant and tending to a sick child

A woman who lost her husband feels sad looking at her sister's 10th wedding anniversary status message

Someone your age bought a mansion and you are trying hard to make ends meet

The list just goes on. What I mean to say that calling it unfair to a certain set of women is completely baseless and irrelevant. Anything and everything shared on social media ends up touching someone's raw nerve and that doesn't mean the intention was that. We have got to learn to ignore things that affect us to such a private level. 

I do not wish to demean anyone or say that getting affected by such things is for weak people. I can only empathize with the pain and yearning that women must be dealing with. However, it is social media and it is reckless, for everyone. Do you think I have never wished my life was like someone else's? All the time! That's the time I tell myself that I am just seeing the bright side; what lies beyond and beneath the shadowed, concealed part is probably not what I want.

My reason to not do the Motherhood Dare is entirely different. I want to know what's the dare or challenge in putting up a happy picture of you and your kid. Whoever started this whole thing obviously did not know what "rise up to a challenge" means. A challenge or a dare is something which you do going against the current. What kind of courage is needed to put up a picture featuring you and your kid which was taken obviously when both were in a happy mood? One may contest that it is "a picture that makes me happy and proud to be a mom". Well, then don't call it a challenge or a dare because it is a blatant mistreatment of those words.

Which one is more of a challenge - take a flight of stairs to the 50th floor or take an elevator to it? Clearly the former; unless of course you are claustrophobic, in which case it would be the latter.

The "Motherhood challenge" is just asking all these women to take an elevator to the 50th floor. Who can't do that?! While I agree that motherhood, rather parenthood in itself is an enormous challenge. This little drama certainly isn't.

If we did have to dare mothers, it should be to click and upload a pic of yourself (and optionally the kids) when you are at the most vulnerable moment of motherhood and mothering. Click a snap of yours, as is, when you are having a long night with a cranky/ tantrum-ing/ sick/ refusing-to-listen-to-you kid. The day when you haven't had time to even wash your face, let alone take a bath. The day when you are so sleep deprived that every cell in your body is begging you to shut off your power unit but your kid ask for "one last bedtime story" for the 372nd time. The day when you realize you are no longer invited by your friends for an outing because you are too busy being a mom. The day when you are so angry and frustrated and exhausted that your cheeks are streaked with never ending tears. The day you yell so hard that it seems like there are mini explosions of blood cells in your brain. The day you realize that you are not the person you were. The day you feel that despite your best efforts everyone is blaming you for all the things that went wrong. The day you just want to abandon everybody and crawl back to your mother.

Last week I had one of those days. The entire household had a meltdown. Aa threw a fit because I accidentally flushed the toilet while she wanted to. No amount of cajoling, caressing helped. I couldn't humour her, I couldn't console her. She was angry and unreasonable beyond any repair. Right from the sweetest form of consoling to the worst form of yelling did not help. it wasn't long before the younger one started bawling at the commotion. While she did compose after a while, the entire cloud of anger and glum proceeded throughout the day and well into the evening. That day she tested our patience. Even the husband, who is usually the one who takes everything coolly just lost it. 

I am not too proud of what happened that day. At the back of my mind I was wondering what would I answer if someone called the 911. 

Things weren't just this easy. The younger one was suffering from upper respiratory infection and was coughing. He was unusually cranky too. And the royal icing on the cake was the younger one's projectile vomit ending up all over my upper half. Did I say there was a cherry on the icing too? After having him cleaned and changed, we put the sleepy kid down with his ritualistic bottle of milk, only to vomit again and soil not just the bed and sheet, but also his entire right side, including the hair. 

As I cried tears of exhaustion, anger and failure, I thought of how much courage it would take me to document my day into a picture and post it on Facebook saying "Motherhood Challenge Accepted". And that would say that despite such days I am proud/ happy to be a mother.

Hopefully a Push Start

Life with an infant is always full of uncertainties. Especially, the sleep pattern - yours and theirs - you never know if you will be sleeping through the night or scrolling through your FB/ Twitter/ Instagram feed liking the random alls. Like this morning, though it is a Saturday, the little one's coughing and congestion woke us up AT. 4.30. A.M. That's right, I have been up since then.

The husband is out flexing his cricket bat, and both the kids are asleep. Breakfast and post breakfast cleaning is done and I have some time in hand before the circus starts. I am sure many mothers are are down right giving me the stink eye for getting this precious time. :) But trust me, I am doing a tight rope walk here with stilettos on! I am even scared to breathe, lest it wakes the mini mes up!

B.S. aside; I have been yearning to write since forever and have been waiting for this window of peace where it could be just me and my writing space and nothing else. There isn't a single day when I don't think about writing. As cliche as it may sound, but I really miss being able to connect to my core. Writing to me is like yoga for many. It sets me in tune, no matter what, why and how I write. It is a different state of mind altogether where i can zone out everything and concentrate on pure blissful writing. 

I have also been thinking of going out on a limb flirting dangerously with the idea of starting a blogathon. It forces me to commit myself to doing something that I love. However, this time I am scared to even approach the thought as I am sure I won't be able to honour my stakes. 

Don't mind if this post seems like a hodge-podge of different things. That is how the current state of mind is. For the uninitiated, we, all four of us (the fourth one came into the world almost nine months back) returned to the US four months back. Since then I/ we have been on our own. There's a long and a lot of stories behind the "returned to the US four months back". Kindly do not judge the sentence on its simplicity. 

Things are easy and difficult at the same time; and though, I don't expect people to understand, I hope they do. It is busy here, totally bustling with some or the other activity one after the other. It's good busy not bad busy, BUT it is busy. I manage to run the household, but what I cannot manage is myself. Yes, this may sound a little too baby center mommy-ish, but there are days when I don't even realise I have not combed my hair from the morning bun till the time I hit the sack. My clothes are still unsorted from the long haul from India. There's an active gym membership but the money is just donated to them in my name! There are so many things that I need to do for myself but I just end up putting them on the lowest shelf of the priority list. It's not that I have no time absolutely. There's always a breather. However in that time, doing something or anything for that matter is not tempting at all. I sit and stare in that black hole called FB till I am pulled back into the reality of my own life. Having a conversation, online or real is out of question. I am mentally exhausted answering the older one's "why can't I watch TV/ iPad now?" question day in and out. 

I know, I complain a lot. And I also happen to know that I don't actively do anything about it. Maybe this is my phase where I want to rest still in my "I don't like this" state but too lazy or occupied to take control and bring changes. 

Focusing on the positives while feeling not so great is a dicey task. But, but, but, there is so much that has remained un shared from my end and most of them warrant individual posts. On the other side of this post are exciting; embarrassing; happy; milestone; achievement stuff that isn't so ranty. 

Please show me some love, and promise me you will read my space although I tend to desert it every now and then. 

A Birthday "Cake" Post

It's my birthday today and yet this post is about the cake and not me. Over a few years now the birthday excitement is all fizzed out - I think from the time I stopped receiving many many gifts from many many people. :)) ;)

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is I baked my own birthday cake. Successfully. Without screw ups (ok, one little screw up. what's the fun without me going wrong somewhere?!). And it tastes good too!

Before I indulge you with the pics, I have to, HAVE TO mention where I got this recipe from. Since the day I saw this cake feature on Nandita's blog, I had to try it. However the day never saw light until today. It's super simple, super tasty, super fun and super eye candy to make Choco Vanilla Zebra cake. The simplicity of the recipe is what made me want to try my hand at it.

With the given measurements I was able to bake two cakes, One is the original form and one in a loaf pan, since , my pan size was smaller than what Nandita might have used.

Freshly baked

The Loaf Cake

How I decorated it!

How she helped me display it!

How he fought for it!

Reminded me of marble cake amma had made many years back

Day 30 :: End of Blogathon 2014

It's time to pull the curtains, for Blogathon 2014 is over! 

It's been wonderful staying connected on daily basis. I am humbled by your response, encouragement and feedback. Nothing can be more rewarding than people telling me that they read my blog. Yes I am saying this for the thousandth time perhaps. But I just cannot justify my feelings on each of your dear comments. 

I enjoyed the journey and wish you did too. I will be back for sure. Now it's time for some blog siesta! 

Goodbye folks! 

Day 29 :: Happiness, it's your responsibility.

I like such quotes. The ones which don't put others before you! Enough has been said about thinking about others and spreading happiness around. What about us? Why is it not a priority to do what please our core? Why when we think of doing something for us, we are made to feel guilty? Why are we given examples of those who do things better than us? Why are we compared? 

Obviously a whole lot is just clueless what I want to say... But there I just said it! 

Day 28 :: That moment when

It's 11:45 pm and you realise you have not yet updated the blog! 

:D I decide to write about something in the morning and by the time I reach this page, I change my mind. People anticipate what my blog topic will be for the day, but in reality, even I am not aware of what I am going to say until I actually begin writing! Call it spontaneity or impulsiveness or plain unpreparedness, it is always that. I have no idea myself. 

Blogathon is a big task. The one which you can understand only when you undertake it. This time I decided to take it one day at a time and not think of the entire 30 days process. Hence this time it was one easy(ier) project than the previous two! 

There is a certain kick in doing the Blogathon. It is a challenge that needs to be proved to oneself and not to the world. Blogathon is a learning activity, a process. It is an exhilarating event that flushes out many thoughts and feelings in one go. 

The reason why I started this was just to see if I can do it. Rather it ended up being a big annual event in my blog. 

Yes so as long as this blog is alive and me too, there shall be blogathons. At least an attempt to stay true to my blog commitments.