I look back

My life turns unexpectedly. I venture into places where I never thought I would. I do things that I wouldn't have thought of doing otherwise. My impulsive decisions have led me to take a totally unexpected kind of route. And these decisions that I speak of are the turning points of my life.

Whatever I have anticipated, thought, expected or decided beforehand, has never turned into reality. I am an indecisive person but when I make my choice, it is made in a split of a second. Thankfully, till date I have never regretted my choices. Some have even called me immature, tried to make me budge from my stance, wanted me to rethink *like any sane person would and should do*... but I have stuck to what I thought was right. Here, I will not deny that I have derailed and have had to compromise for the sake of some people. But I guess everyone does that at some point of their life.

Me and V have been two different kinds - we can be even called opposites in this regard. He's a guy who has his head firmly placed on his shoulder. He knew what he was going to pursue after his SSC. He knew his capabilities, his abilities, his strength, his weakness. He has his career plans chalked out. You ask him where do you see yourself after 10 years; he'll tell his elaborate plans. And you can make out that he has done some serious thinking about it. He's been very meticulous in drawing his life picture.

Being his younger sister most would naturally have thought that I was sure to follow his steps. Have a vision. As far as I'm concerned, I don't even know my evening plans. Let alone plan for the rest of my lifetime. Not that I chose... I was lead to mould myself that way. I strongly believed (I say believed) that I wanted to go for Home Science after my SSC. Just till I got my results in my hand. I'd scored 80%. I told dad I wanted to go for Commerce. I didn't even know what subjects was I going to learn. Parents and V tried to talk me out of it since I "believed" I wanted to do Home Science. I stayed put. And thus, I turned and did not look back.

I opted for French as an optional subject in college, just because I wanted to escape from the "rasva-dirgha" of written Marathi and Hindi. And thanks to the french teacher I vehemently hated the subject by the time I reached FY. Come SY and I made an announcement to my dad- I want to do a course from Alliance Francaise! He asked me the reason and I mumbled something about French in great demand...and so was I let to do what I wanted. The real reason was of course, that one of my friend was learning there and was speaking fairly well. I didn't even know what level of French I wanted to achieve. I thought it was easy and so I took a plunge. No one stopped me this time. But I turned and now I'm happy to look back at it.

I was done with my happy-go-lucky days of BM...and I was still clueless. I thought the song "main aisa kyun hoon" rocked! I hadn't thought about a PG course. I did not want to do CA...after all, I'd passed all my accounting exams after serious rotting. * for those who don't get the idea - Accounts is like Maths... you shouldn't be by-hearting entries* But still thats what i'd done. MCOM? -Yuck who does that? - I said. CS - No booooooooring. MBA? I hadn't prepared for CAT. So was I going to lose a whole year studying for CAT? No, I wasn't. Anyways, parents were not so comfy letting me out of their view, in case I got admission elsewhere other than Pune. So I took the path that I thought would solve my miseries. *I was still doing French from AF since I'd taken breaks to accommodate my TY classes and exams* - I decided I'd do Distance MBA from ICFAI. Dad again asked me why I'd want to do DL MBA. I pushed my French forward and said I W.A.N.T. to complete my Diplome! MBA sucked right from day one. But I still gave it a chance. Again, I turned...and looking back at it, I regret my DL MBA with all my might.

I was now done with French. And it was time I forayed into the job market. This time I'd a faint idea of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a translator/ interpreter. But I also knew that I wouldn't be achieving it so soon. I had to have some experience working on my French before I saw myself where I wanted to see myself. I was hired at an institute to teach French to students. I was happy at the prospect of being a teacher...it was my childhood dream profession. The money they paid me was lesser than calling it peanuts. I was dangling between two minds - I loved the job... but the pay created a nuisance at home. Mom thought I was putting in more efforts for the money they were offering. I wasn't entirely disagreeing. Soon I started turning down their offers and started taking classes at home. I was content but still, still I was missing something that I didn't want to acknowledge.

Mom tried to talk me into a compromise. Why don't you talk to dad and get a job for yourself. So many of his colleagues/ acquaintances will hire you for may be accounting or some other job? I wasn't against compromising. But I felt dependent and incapable. I did not want my father to find me a job... rather land me into a job. I did not want anyone to say "This girl is Prabhu's daughter.... know Mr. Prabhu who is etc etc in etc etc company" That was like worse than death. I wouldn't even mind if my father told me to apply certain places. But I wanted to do it as an individual Ms. Purnima Prabhu and not as Mr. Prabhu's daughter.

Occasionally, my mother did try to prod the issue. I knew she was genuinely concerned about my inactivity. I could no longer hold my beliefs to myself and keep them suppressed under the blanket of civility. It led to an outburst from me. And the bottom line was "Leave me alone" I was feeling guilty for doing so...but I wasn't ready to accept that I was wrong in not giving in to my parents' concern. I was stubborn and angry. Even my luck wasn't favouring me. I applied in places where my kind of knowledge would help. But I ended up getting no replies. It was worse than being rejected. I was trying and didn't even know if I was failing. I was discouraged and demotivated. Staying at home made me feel guilty and suffocated. This time, I twisted and started doubting my purpose in life...why I existed is what I wanted to know. But I was too numb to feel anything.

As one day I was in an introspective mood wondering where I go next, again I had to confront an advise session. I knew by this time that I was the one who could stir up a hurricane or turn it into something better. I knew I'd to listen because I did not have a solution. Whereas, my insides were still burning and screaming that I wouldn't give in and so I wouldn't give up. I asked for a weeks time and said I'd try my level best to secure my type of job....something that I'd want to do...something that I'd love to do...something that'd give me pleasure and a smile on my face. If that did not happen, I'd bow down to your advice gracefully. Today is thursday and by next one if I do not have anything concrete to tell you, I'll give you a nod.


I contacted every friend on my contact list who could've helped me out. Furiously searched the net day in day out. and before the dead-line, I secured interview dates with 3 companies. I clinged onto my happiness. I hugged my pride. I passed all the 3 interviews. I put a finger on the one that I thought suited me the most. Well, it was a give and take. My job has got nothing to do with French... but neither is it accounting. I'm a content writer and I am content writing.

Know what? All thanks to my blog AND you, my readers and commentors. The interviewers read my blog and were impressed that people read it too.

Yesterday while I was working, I received a call saying they were overjoyed to receive my resume *please note the heavy dose of sarcasm*. That resume which I'd sent to them in November 2008 and hadn't received any reply for. They wanted a french to English translator. I smiled and kicked this opportunity to do what I'm learning to love to do.

Yet again, I turned. But I don't think I compromised. And looking back at it...naaah! I ain't gonna look back at my bad times!