That pause

It's been such a long time since I wrote and there is so much to update. Yet nowadays, the drive to write, although is strong at heart, never gets transformed into action.

Things have changed and so have people around me. Those who I thought were my (our) friends, people who I thought were dependable and trustworthy and those who promised to be there during good times and bad have turned their backs when I (we) needed them. Close friends have started reaching out only when they feel the need to rant out their frustration or get some baby related advice. Even phone conversations are so strained that I hardly feel friendly towards them anymore. There are promises made to meet, but plans are cancelled at the last minute. I have a feeling everyone is turning towards being selfish, including myself.

Personally too, there is such a mess that is going to take a lot of time and patience to sort. Decisions that were once taken are now invalid, leaving us into turmoil and confusion. Accepted that change is the spice of life, but I hadn't expected my life so spicy! The peace in my life is somewhat missing since I came back home. In fact, there is no place where I really feel at home. There is a constant chugging at the back of my mind and would love to get rid of it soon. :|

It is like I am living outside of myself. I am me yet I am disconnected with self. I feel like an integral part of me is missing.

I hope I get to sort myself out soon.

As I read this post, I realise how ambiguous it is. That is my current state of mind.

Nothing worth a mention

My blog stats graph has started to resemble a dying man's ECG monitor.  The only thing needed to resuscitate it is a blog post. Frankly, this doesn't qualify as one. Just wanted to put my feelings down somewhere; so here they are.

I am surrounded by every kind of happiness and yet I don't feel so excited. I am looking forward to a lot of things; although I guess I am tired of waiting and want things to happen. For the uninitiated, KK decided to come whole 2 months early, just in time for my baby shower! And I am counting days, which seem to drag by slowly.

I do not lack energy; but the will to do things that I want to do. I know the statement contradicts itself. People know I am paradoxical. Perhaps a little bizarre.

I begin to write something and I cannot push myself to complete it. My enthusiasm to see something till its end comes spiralling down and as a result remains undone. It leaves me feeling utterly frustrated.

Hoping this feeling will soon disappear!

I think the best phrase that can describe my feelings is "I am not in my elements".

(Does this happen during pregnancy? Or am I one of a kind, as always?)

Day 23 : I wanna be myself

As much as I try, I cannot change my core nature. It is something I was born with and changing that is not possible. In fact I feel, altering that would alter my personality.

Talking about the negative side of my nature; I tend to be ever complaining, irascible, impatient, non adjusting human being. I can also be blunt, rude, crude, straight talker and tongue lashing. Because of all these traits in me, I was the target for amma's "with-that-nature-you-will-be-in-deep-trouble" talks. Despite many of those talk sessions, I am the same. Perhaps a case of dog's tail.

It is not that one does it purposely. It is ingrained in so much, that it happens more out of reflex than reflecting. There are people born with humongous amount of patience. They could probably wait a million years and see a mountain forming. Not for people like me, who'll just bail out if that doesn't happen within the promised time limit.

I cannot see everything as "OK" when obviously everything is not. I find it easier to vent out, complain to myself and look at it in a negative manner, than pretend that everything is fine and gonna work itself out. This venting cools me down and helps me focus and reassess the situation better. I cannot be patient, and I cannot be collected.

I get angry when I feel people take advantage of me. However, I stand up for myself and defend my stance. People blessed with a kinder heart probably find it difficult to say a "NO" and stop taking shit from others. I cannot see the point of letting people walk all over you while you talk it out to someone but do nothing about it. What hurts me the most is this happens with people who are so good natured that they think it will be wrong of them to fight for what's theirs.

There's more. I cannot forgive anyone who has hurt me emotionally. It is said forgiving is the most selfless deed to do. But I prefer being selfish and happy about it. Why should my forgiveness be so cheap that I hand it over to any moron not even seeking it? Forgive and forget seem good in philosophical worlds where the real world does not exist. If I forgave someone for hurting me badly, I'd lose my self respect. I love me more than the person who has not been kind to me. So where should my loyalty lie?

The biggest courage one could ever show would be to put his foot down, believe and defend himself from any obstacle. I do not believe in being spineless and accepting everything as it is given to us. Keeping opinions to oneself is one thing but remaining mum in times when you need to speak out boldly is sheer cowardice.

It is human to express. It is perfectly normal to feel angry, upset and depressed as long as it is not getting too much. Why is it necessary to make everyone happy around you? Why do you want to keep everyone thinking that it's ok for them to do anything with you? Why give others the freedom to play with you and your emotions?

I know this post is a bit cynical, but so am I!

Day 21 : One line blogpost

What can I write when eyes are blood red, teary and stinging badly? (Read contact lenses)

Day 10 : Sick leave

Oh! Am I not feeling well! Excuse or reason, whatever you wanna call it - I am typing in midst of shivering, 'bzzzzz' in ears, 'gzzzzzzzzzzzz' in my brain and upset tum tum. Stupid weather!

Day 5 : Connect disconnect

Isn't it amazing how you lose contact with a person for many years and suddenly one day, just like that, they find you like a needle in a hay stack! This has happened twice with me. And both the times it was through social networking sites!

It is ironic, where one newly-made friend is going far far away; an old friend is reconnecting. Something like "doobte ko tinke ka sahara"?

Just wondering...

Should I really name this?

Have you held sand in your hand? The harder you try to clutch it, the faster it seeps away... moreover, how would you feel if it enters your eyes? All the pleasure of watching it slip off is instantly replaced by the pricking feeling in the eyes.

Similar situations when you face in life, you are left utterly confused - you don't know if you like it...and you are not sure you hate it. So many things happen, with me, with others - friends, family, neighbours - that change the course of life. In these past 10-15 days, I have had to face so many different days - each with its own color. There has been a blast of good news es from my friends/ family, when I was facing my own difficulties. Being a part of their happiness was one thing... but I just couldn't ignore my need to sulk and to vent out. Secondly, I wasn't (and am still not) convinced that things have turned the right way for them. As soon as they broke out their news to me, I felt like screaming "No, don't do it"... but I quickly realised that they have already gone and done that... I had/ have no right to butt in and question their decision.

I guess that's the way it is and it should be. Nevertheless, I feel stupid, guilty and selfish for not rejoicing their decisions whole-heartedly. And I guess, that's the way I am, finally.

I think I'm done rambling. I'll start with a new post, right away.

Current Status

Since past many days I have not been able to

- write a new blogpost
- comment on my favorite blogs... even though i did read them.
- think properly
- give time to myself
- talk to my friends
- change my faulty SIM
- think seriously about switching from vodafone to idea
- express myself openly
- voice my opinion against "people" i hate vehemently
- find answers to pricking questions.

Everything is fine.... except my physical health and my mood!

I-don't-know-what-to-call-this

Note : there's nothing really to read about... Just my state of mind, which at the moment is "wired confusion"

There are so many things in daily life that I want to talk about. Say it to someone... speak out my mind... babble on sans cesse. And for these rambunctious thoughts of mine, I have a blog too. Just then, why does it feel so wrong to articulate my each and every thought or feeling?

Right now, I'm ready to blurt to anyone, all those things which mean nothing to me though in a weird sort of way is a part of my life. Because I fear they sound silly when I say it to someone. I am also too conscious of the fact that no one wants to know the inane details of my life and am very much particular about not burdening others with my loads and baggage... I just can't do it. I've very well done the job of handling this kind of situation for others.... but when it comes to me feeling uncomfortable; I'd rather shut my mouth and sulk than confide in a friend. I, sometimes, find it very difficult to live with myself when I'm in such sticky situation. Mind you, I'm not even complaining... if this seems like it then I'm sorry, I definitely am not complaining.

I can very well hide my emotions. I can smile or laugh or act silly even if I've had a huge fallout with someone and am feeling depressed, angry or even feel like crying over it. And no one even knows what going on behind me. This, I'm complaining.... not about others, but about myself. Why do I do that? Because then to myself, it seems, no one cares to ask me if I've had a bad day, unless I tell them myself. But then again, I never say it to anyone!! Like some 99% of the time, I won't. Even when I say so, I won't tell the reason why I'm so. Why? Because trusting others with my feelings doesn't come easily to me. I staunchly believe, I'm my Best Friend.

Currently, I am dying to let know about my feelings towards my ex-home (which I'm gonna write, no matter what) , what it feels like when friends write about memories they've had with me, albeit it was an Fb tag and was meant to be a fun-element, what high I get when Baby J comes running to me for a hug, how badly I miss my routine back home, what fun it is to teach V French, how much I miss my college days, how flashing memories of childhood brings tears to my eyes no matter what situation I'm in.... these and more.... No connections with one another, yet so close to my heart, my being. Siiigh!

And this whole post, when I'm not in a sulky, stinky mood.

Thoda aur wish karo, Dish khareed ke roz roz maro!

I'm at my wit's end with this whole Dish TV ruckus!!!! It's been a hell of a problem since the day we got it installed. Apparently, to save ourselves from the greedy dogs, infamously known as cable agents, we'd decided to act really smart and install Dish TV. And this was during the days when Tata Sky, Airtel, Reliance etc. biggies were no where in sight. We didn't buy a service... we just bought ourselves a punishment, a very costly punishment.

Yes, I am ranting and this is seemingly, visibly a fire spitting, angry, post. so you may stop reading right here, if you choose to.

I won't get into details but their payment mode positively sucks!!! Having paid the annual subscription, they have the guts to cut off my connection saying it was due in October. No, it wasn't. I made the annual payment in MAY and it should work till MAY 2009, unless their year ends in 4 months flat!!!! Yes, I have tried keeping my cool by first trying to call them at their ever busy customer care. Never connects... unless they expect me to sit by the telephone 24*7 just to insert my complaint into their permenantly zapped zombies' brains. Then I also sent an email to the CC along with a polite reminder that in case no action is taken, I shall seek help from Consumer Forum. Yes, I received an apology, alright... saying they would "do the needful". Now, it has been 10 days of not receiving a ny communication from them, about what they'll do about it. And the obvious fact that needn't be mentioned here is that "There is no signal from Dish". Blood suckers!!

Seriously, these guys are challenging every management institute in this world who claim that "Customers are kings". In their case it is just the reverse. No, not "Kings are customers"...!!!

The TV still has the cable connection YET when I have paid Rs. 3240, I WANT THE SERVICE AT ANY COST! I have a very good reason to fume...this is not the 1st or the 2nd time I'm encountering problem with DISH TV. Damn! It is the 4th time!!!

Nevr mind which Bollywood star comes to your house selling you this piece of crap, DO NOT BUY IT! You might as well set afloat your money in the nearby river. I am sooo angry!

I have decided. If I do not get any reply and action from these guys, I am going to the Consumer Forum. Before that I would love to send them another mail. People please help me out with some nasty insults that u can think for Dish. Perhaps I should scream and send the audio across too, so that they know the amount of frustration that's built up in me.

This post cooled me down a bit. Thankfully. Will update on my updates.

P.S. No keyboard was made to bear the brunt of my anger by pounding into it. Though the temptation was too difficult to resist.

P.P.S. To those who have read this entire thing; You have a hell lot of patience!!!