That pause

It's been such a long time since I wrote and there is so much to update. Yet nowadays, the drive to write, although is strong at heart, never gets transformed into action.

Things have changed and so have people around me. Those who I thought were my (our) friends, people who I thought were dependable and trustworthy and those who promised to be there during good times and bad have turned their backs when I (we) needed them. Close friends have started reaching out only when they feel the need to rant out their frustration or get some baby related advice. Even phone conversations are so strained that I hardly feel friendly towards them anymore. There are promises made to meet, but plans are cancelled at the last minute. I have a feeling everyone is turning towards being selfish, including myself.

Personally too, there is such a mess that is going to take a lot of time and patience to sort. Decisions that were once taken are now invalid, leaving us into turmoil and confusion. Accepted that change is the spice of life, but I hadn't expected my life so spicy! The peace in my life is somewhat missing since I came back home. In fact, there is no place where I really feel at home. There is a constant chugging at the back of my mind and would love to get rid of it soon. :|

It is like I am living outside of myself. I am me yet I am disconnected with self. I feel like an integral part of me is missing.

I hope I get to sort myself out soon.

As I read this post, I realise how ambiguous it is. That is my current state of mind.