The Motherhood Challenge - What I think

I would have by now done the "Motherhood Dare/ Challenge" that's doing rounds on FB, had I not stumbled upon a few blogs/ articles that were not completely in agreement of the concept. 

I am sure most of you have already seen, if not actually done the so called challenge. For those who have no clue, here's the deal (copy pasted from where I was nominated)

The Motherhood dare! (I accepted)

I was nominated to post a picture that makes me happy/proud to be a mom...I'm going to tag the ladies that I think are fabulous mothers, and can rise up to the challenge of posting a pic of their own. If I've tagged you as one of the awesome moms, copy the text and paste it to your wall with a picture, and tag more moms!

Well, that's the deal. You have to RISE UP to the challenge of posting a pic with your bub. Now the blogs that I read, seemed to have a gotten a little upset over this, and empathize with those women who have suffered a miscarriage (once or maybe repeatedly); women who are trying hard to concieve; women who have lost a child. The general impression I got from those blogs was that this challenge is unfair to women who are not as fortunate as the rest who are uploading an innocent picture of themselves with their kids. 

My take on the entire issue is slightly different. While I am going to be blunt about it, I, in no way intend on being hurtful or insensitive to anyone who has gone ahead to do the challenge, or to those who would love to but cannot. 

The thing is, this is social media. It is a place where all the gloss and glamour of ones life are highlighted. It's all about showing everyone the good side of your life and getting a kick out of rising likes and comments. No one stops to think if their good news is going to hurt someone else. I mean, why will they, because they just want to tell everyone what they have achieved/ seen/ done/ bought..

It is not just limited to being or not being able to be a mother. I understand that I am treading on a very delicate subject here. However, there's nothing one can do but choose to ignore it if you don't like it. This is just one face. There are many people who feel dejected over others achievements/ happiness. 

Consider a few examples (i think a few of these I wrote in the comment to one of the blogs)

Ex getting married while you are still wallowing in the past

A student who was denied visa checks out his friend's graduation snaps at the university he was accepted to do his Masters

A single girlfriend checks out her married best friend's snap who is also a mother of three

and that married friend checking out her single friend's photos and check ins, clubbing into the wee hours of the night, her perfect figure intact; while she is up all night feeding the infant and tending to a sick child

A woman who lost her husband feels sad looking at her sister's 10th wedding anniversary status message

Someone your age bought a mansion and you are trying hard to make ends meet

The list just goes on. What I mean to say that calling it unfair to a certain set of women is completely baseless and irrelevant. Anything and everything shared on social media ends up touching someone's raw nerve and that doesn't mean the intention was that. We have got to learn to ignore things that affect us to such a private level. 

I do not wish to demean anyone or say that getting affected by such things is for weak people. I can only empathize with the pain and yearning that women must be dealing with. However, it is social media and it is reckless, for everyone. Do you think I have never wished my life was like someone else's? All the time! That's the time I tell myself that I am just seeing the bright side; what lies beyond and beneath the shadowed, concealed part is probably not what I want.

My reason to not do the Motherhood Dare is entirely different. I want to know what's the dare or challenge in putting up a happy picture of you and your kid. Whoever started this whole thing obviously did not know what "rise up to a challenge" means. A challenge or a dare is something which you do going against the current. What kind of courage is needed to put up a picture featuring you and your kid which was taken obviously when both were in a happy mood? One may contest that it is "a picture that makes me happy and proud to be a mom". Well, then don't call it a challenge or a dare because it is a blatant mistreatment of those words.

Which one is more of a challenge - take a flight of stairs to the 50th floor or take an elevator to it? Clearly the former; unless of course you are claustrophobic, in which case it would be the latter.

The "Motherhood challenge" is just asking all these women to take an elevator to the 50th floor. Who can't do that?! While I agree that motherhood, rather parenthood in itself is an enormous challenge. This little drama certainly isn't.

If we did have to dare mothers, it should be to click and upload a pic of yourself (and optionally the kids) when you are at the most vulnerable moment of motherhood and mothering. Click a snap of yours, as is, when you are having a long night with a cranky/ tantrum-ing/ sick/ refusing-to-listen-to-you kid. The day when you haven't had time to even wash your face, let alone take a bath. The day when you are so sleep deprived that every cell in your body is begging you to shut off your power unit but your kid ask for "one last bedtime story" for the 372nd time. The day when you realize you are no longer invited by your friends for an outing because you are too busy being a mom. The day when you are so angry and frustrated and exhausted that your cheeks are streaked with never ending tears. The day you yell so hard that it seems like there are mini explosions of blood cells in your brain. The day you realize that you are not the person you were. The day you feel that despite your best efforts everyone is blaming you for all the things that went wrong. The day you just want to abandon everybody and crawl back to your mother.

Last week I had one of those days. The entire household had a meltdown. Aa threw a fit because I accidentally flushed the toilet while she wanted to. No amount of cajoling, caressing helped. I couldn't humour her, I couldn't console her. She was angry and unreasonable beyond any repair. Right from the sweetest form of consoling to the worst form of yelling did not help. it wasn't long before the younger one started bawling at the commotion. While she did compose after a while, the entire cloud of anger and glum proceeded throughout the day and well into the evening. That day she tested our patience. Even the husband, who is usually the one who takes everything coolly just lost it. 

I am not too proud of what happened that day. At the back of my mind I was wondering what would I answer if someone called the 911. 

Things weren't just this easy. The younger one was suffering from upper respiratory infection and was coughing. He was unusually cranky too. And the royal icing on the cake was the younger one's projectile vomit ending up all over my upper half. Did I say there was a cherry on the icing too? After having him cleaned and changed, we put the sleepy kid down with his ritualistic bottle of milk, only to vomit again and soil not just the bed and sheet, but also his entire right side, including the hair. 

As I cried tears of exhaustion, anger and failure, I thought of how much courage it would take me to document my day into a picture and post it on Facebook saying "Motherhood Challenge Accepted". And that would say that despite such days I am proud/ happy to be a mother.

Day 3 :: Being Judgmental

Whenever I hear the word 'judgmental', I replay the scene from the movie English Vinglish where Sridevi asks her niece to explain what the word means.

Now while the scene is not for discussion today, the word judgmental sure is. Of late, I realised a few things. I started seeing things with open eyes and mind. I have started observing people and their behaviour. What keeps them interested, what makes them skeptical of others, why do they say what they say... and so on are some of the subtle observations that I have started making. No i am not studying psychology or any mind related studies. It's just that in the year that went by, I experienced people in all different forms. They were the same people that I knew. Some were old acquaintances and  some recent friends, some relatives, some strangers!

People are selfish. All of them, with varying wavelengths of being selfish. When I say selfish, I don't mean they are bad. I mean they have (all of us really, knowingly/ unknowingly) an intrinsic need to assert themselves in every action and situation, regardless of their involvement with the said issue. They go lengths in proving how you are wrong and how what they say is the real and correct. Ever had to listen to unsolicited advice? The part where they make you feel you are worthless and how your decisions are least effective?

People are judgmental. They often jump the gun and come down to a conclusion, which throws you at the wrong side. Their judgments lead them to believe what you have done does not fit the bill. People fail to see your perspective. They have hardly walked in your shoes, but they are at the forefront solving your problems for you, for free. Well, not so free, you are the one paying the price - listening to them and feeling stupid!

You might say why would you want to listen to people. True. I never want to do that. It's they who welcome themselves into our lives and start a sermon. Sometimes you are only too polite to ask them to shut up. Reasons could be that they are elders, teachers, bosses, parents, best friend, siblings, relative that you once idolized. And sometimes, it is better to let them speak than explain why you are correct. Yes, with all that pent up frustration, you might explode one day in their faces. Then again, they get judgy, and call you imprudent.

Under the pretext of giving you suggestions, they want you to walk the path that they have mapped out for you. Isn't that dominance? If you adopt their method, you make them happy; but if not, you are in for some serious debates. Say something does go wrong despite their warnings, you are doomed for life!

Well, that is how it is. You keep quiet and you have to listen to endless discourse that in your life and setting will make no sense! You say something and you are labelled - arrogant, foolish, disrespecting, hungry for trouble etc. You are just not allowed to follow your heart and heed to your mind!

Just to quote a safe example - I recently had joined a FB group for new moms. Earlier it was all good. New moms helping out other new moms with baby related / non-related advice. Things started turning sour with comments pouring in not as a reply to the post but as an insult to some other comment made by another mom that did not conform to the general POVs. And yes, the comments were humiliating making blind assumptions and accusations directed at that mom. It spread like a virus. There was mess on every post. Demeaning words at ever step. No moral policing helped. Later the policing also started to get icky! Needless to say, I am not longer a part of that group.

 Where do I stand in all this? I have started to make conscious efforts in keeping my mouth shut. No unsolicited advice, no matter how well I know the issue. No judging people. I believe that whatever a person does, does so with ample thought behind it. Who knows, that might be the best possible option available to him after considering his pros and cons. Why should I pass a comment at his situation when his outcome is not affecting me? I have stopped caring. Not for their sake but for my own.

I don't care if someone buys a second hand car. I don't care if someone's not had a baby after 4 years of marriage. It is not my responsibility to care for them and certainly not my life to analyse the reasons for the same. Why should I bother? The intention behind the entire non caring status is not to judge a person. The moment one starts judging, immediately the person who is being judged gains inferiority! You lower their stature in an instance without discerning if they deserve it or not.

A year of learning and growing

2013 has been an overwhelming year for me. With not as many ups as the downs. There is one thing about being in the downward curve. It is a great teacher. It teaches you things that you could have never otherwise learnt. It brings about changes - and those changes are for the better.

The whole of previous year has been full of disappointments. People have let us down; friends have turned selfish; situations took a u turn. No matter how much efforts we took, how many plans we laid down (for the immediate future, which was 99% to have happened) all fell flat on the face. 2013, we felt like a punching bag - punched every time in the gut. Even before we could gather our senses, there was another blow to us.

I am scared of uncertainty. I find peace in knowing what would or could happen. Probably that is why I ask Kiran a hundred times a day, "What time are you coming back?" Sounds maniacal, but that's me. The "don't know" factor freaks me out. Knowing the deal, preparing for the same and walking step by step on that plan, keeps me sane. I kind of like to be ahead of times and situations. Nothing disturbs me more than a change. Not that I am averse to changes. However the changes that suddenly came our way were mind boggling. We kept wondering what hit us that badly! It sounds exaggerated even to my own ears but there were enough twists that numbed us to the core.

Earlier turns of events (for better or worse) would aggravate me. It would disturb me to the extent that my whole day (and sometimes a whole week) would go sulking. These blows have hardened me somewhat. I have developed a thicker skin. I have learnt to shrug it off and stay indifferent yet connected. I am learning to find a solution rather than stare at the problem till my eyes burn.

From people point of view too, I am learning to be resilient. It is a work in progress to be lenient towards people. It is hard to let go, hard to forgive. I am getting there albeit very slowly. This in no way means I am to be taken for granted. I believe in giving people a benefit of doubt. That has helped me in attaining that peace of mind. Earlier I obsessed at the wrongs that people in name of friends, did to me. Now I submit it all to Karma. I allow them to get away with it because I believe that everybody's action has some reason behind it. Now even if that reason might not sound right to me, it was for them and hence they do what they do.

I used to be judgemental. I am again trying to chage that. Of course I cannot altogether stop forming opinions, but at least I can shut my mouth and keep them to myself. I have been on the other side and know how it feels to be judged for my actions and decisions, when others have no understanding of the situation. I know how it feels to listen to unsolicited advice when I know it is going to be a big wrong step if I followed. I believe in suggestions and not stubborn discourses. I believe in constructive criticism. It give the person a new perspective. Criticising for the sake of it or to feel superior brings in a lot of bitterness.

I didn't wait until the new year to form resolutions. This was an evolution that took time and experience. I did not force it upon me - it was forced by destiny.

I feel like I have grown up in many ways that I didn't in earlier years. It's like finding the pulse in my life. It's discovering myself in new light.

To have or not to have

a baby part II is the biggest question that looms over new parents. Much like a sword hovering over; it keeps haunting day in day out. Not to mention parents and relatives who, albeit subtly, won't leave a chance to "remind" you (in case you are forgetting!).

What indeed are you supposed to do? When you are torn in between practicality of inflation laced life and life long guilt of not providing a sibling to your kid; decision making becomes tough.

I am at the threshold of all this. Now that Aarnavi is almost 2, the question looks at me in the face.

Since whenever I thought of my family life, I have always wanted two kids - one of each gender. Probably because that was how we were - myself and V. Kiran, on the other hand, was gonna be happy with just one. This was the time before Aarnavi was born, when we did "the talks" about kids. The whole of first year we have debated on and off - 1 v/s 2. The husband was worried about finances and I couldn't imagine that my still-to-be-conceived-baby would not have a sibling. I tried making him see the advantages of having a sibling. After all, he has a baby sister too who he loves to pieces.

'I cannot imagine my life without V. Can you imagine your childhood without N?' I would ask him continually. Even then he maintained his stand, while reminding me that what I am talking about is still a long way to go. There would be times when he would just give in to my wishful whining. (I guess it was to make me stop discussing the said topic)

After Aarnavi's arrival, opinions took a firmer shape. He was dead against having another baby. Seeing me suffer through the pains and miseries of pregnancy (which was perhaps ones of the easiest ones that women have) and post-partum, he wouldn't hear a word from me. And coming to me, even with all that I went through, I couldn't accept what he said. But then I decided it was best not to bring it up.

As the months passed, the pain, discomfort and even memories of them started to fade away. Aarnavi's growing up was a magical time. She was an ideal baby of sorts. Her milestones were bang on. Her schedule was fixed. She was a happy baby who despite turning our world upside down, kept us hooked. This time, in fact, acted as a catalyst for Kiran to change his mind. Since we were in the US with no help from parents or in laws; he go to be hands-on father.  His involvement with Aarnavi made him rethink the decision. The amount of satisfaction he felt in seeing her grow was apparent. He realised it wasn't enough. And he finally accepted that there would indeed be a baby 2 for us.

Many parents are happy with their first born. They have their reasons, and I believe they are justified. Each one knows what they can handle and what they cannot. It is true that in today's world, having two children is nothing short of a luxury. It isn't just "giving a playmate". As parents we are responsible for their upbringing - which means a lot of money. To make two ends meet is not an easy task.

And it isn't just money, there are few other grave things too. Like when I spoke to some of my friends on whether they would go for a second baby, many said they couldn't imagine going through those 9 months again. Others say they are oscillating between the two options. Still others are yet to recover from the shock of motherhood. As expected, these reasons are smacked down by mothers and aunties who have gone ahead having 2 kids or more. "Haven't we had babies?" is their smug question. I find it very daunting that such ladies are so indifferent to the pains of motherhood. I wonder why they won't try to understand the word "enough".

The fact that decisions are not respected gets on my nerves. From 'when to have the first kid' to 'what age difference is ideal between 2 siblings' - every damn question is under the limelight. No matter how wisely you have come to a mutual decision depending the best on your emotional preparedness, physical health and financial graph, it is always shot down by unsolicited "expert advice" doled out by previous parents.

We have decided to have the second baby (down the line), instead of all the extra luxuries that we could have otherwise afforded. We have come to decisions of our own, and have are not budging from it, whatever anyone says.

It is human to form opinions and pass judgment. But the least we can do is to be sensible and keep them to ourselves unless expressly asked. Such are sensitive topics and there can be no right or wrong. It is an individual family decision, and no outsider should be contributing to it.

Why I Hate My iPad!

So, I got an Apple iPad as a gift from Kiran for our 3rd wedding anniversary. Roughly 7 months back. No, it isn't as you think. It was a gift, essentially for me and not the husband. It has my FB and my Gmail etc. And the husband asks before he uses it. It is however a different tale with Aa. Whenever she wants it (which is every time I have it in my hands!), she yanks it from me. She screams, cries and throws tantrums till she gets it.

As soon as we got it, we installed many kid friendly apps for her. She enjoyed it too. In fact, 7 months back, she was younger and much more innocent than she is now. She dutifully watched the episode of Mickey Mouse clubhouse and was happy with just that.

I was to come to India all alone with Aa, who was but 1yr 4 months then. I was scared to death. I had no faith in my abilities to be able to take care of her and myself on the long journey. Many advised me that I carry the iPad with me which will keep the kid engaged. This boosted my confidence a bit.

However, it worked to my disadvantage. I was carrying a heavy backpack - food, milk, diapers, wet wipes,  extra clothing for Aa and me, medications, 3 passports - 2 mine, 1 Aa's, iPad and Aa. While at the security, Aa would take the iPad and run away. I, along with the backpack and passport dangling in one hand, would catch her and get her back in line. Trying to get her back was not an easy task. Her screams pierced the entire area and every eye turned on me. I was burning with embarrassment (not to mention that heavy backpack adding weight on my already fragile back), when in the process of picking her up with the iPad, I dropped our passports. Now to bend down to pick passports with Aa, iPad, the backpack and my fragile back was impossible. I had to let go of Aa and her iPad.

Aa screamed again as she wasn't then adept at the features of touchscreen. I gathered the passports and hauled Aa too. Thank you for noticing that no one bothered to lend a hand, neither with the kid, nor the iPad or the backpack or my back! And I was in no state to ask for help either. Tears came rolling down - some because my back was killing me and rest because of the extreme humiliation that I felt.

After the security check, I decided I had had enough with the whole dumb thing. I stuffed the iPad into my backpack which was now bursting at seams. The rest of the journey was much much better as Aa behaved.

Problems grew as she did. She has now understood the whole funda of touchscreen and opens my Gmail, Fb, Instagram and Pinterest among other installed stuff. She even plays videos of some hindi songs. She knows there is Youtube and her uploaded videos. Long story short, she navigates through everything on that thin machine! She gets frustrated when it doesn't work as she wants it to. Now how do I explain wi fi connections to her?

Probably since a month back or so, she started using it far too often than she should. Like I said, if not given to her, she would throw tantrums, cry and be unpleasant, which she usually isn't. There were days when she ignored all of her toys - even her favourite ones - and played with the iPad. I hated to see her getting addicted to it. We tried keeping it out of sight, but she demanded her "Paakaa" - that's what she calls it. And we would relent and give it to her instead of facing a big tearful drama, followed by exasperation and spoilt evenings.

It wasn't until some 10 days back that I had had enough. That whole day she had Paakaa on her lap and songs, nursery rhymes, and videos were playing on a loop. It drove me crazy. There was no bargaining either. I do not even believe in bribing my kid. Aa was quiet the whole day, ignored me, her toys, Chota bheem - rather everything was pushed away.

I talked to Kiran and we decided it was time to wean her off  iPad. We decided to go cold turkey. (It works very well with Aa. That is how I got rid of her binky habit too). She asked for her Paakaa repeatedly during the day and we told her that kakmaamu (a crow) has taken her Paakaa away and will return tomorrow. She kept asking for 2 days and both days we gave her the same answer. By 3rd day she had forgotten all about that dreaded thing.

We are in much happier place now. We have decided not to use it in front of her. We hide it whenever she is awake and just do not use it, however urgent it may be.

I have never been in favour of introducing technology to kids so early. I was/ am never proud that Aa can handle electronic devices. I hated for letting myself do it when I strongly believe otherwise. I have seen far too many kids who are glued to fancy products. Not just that, I know of a kid who has damaged 2 of his father's smartphones. I did not want my kid to turn out that way.

When I saw that it helped keep my kid engaged while I get my things done, I more than easily gave up my belief. I shouldn't have, but I slipped. However, henceforth I am going to avoid such slip ups. Now, Aa is not allowed to touch Kiran's smartphone. We tell her it is his office stuff and she is not supposed to touch it. It is difficult to keep that hidden from her. She is slowly learning... she tries to touch it and looks at me. One look of disapproval and she goes exploring some other thing.

When I think of it as a parent, I think it is my responsibility to help Aa understand what is a toy and what is not. It is important that she learns why she should respect boundaries and learn the values of things. I have realised that it is never to early to teach kids right from wrong. There is no use reprimanding them for their mistake that we allow them to make.

I agree there are times when even after best care, kids tend to indulge in mischiefs. Like the time Aa chewed at the charging point of the Samsung Tab (when I was busy with some other thing) and rendered it useless!

I do not want Aa to be a slave of technology, like I see many kids today. Even at a social functions, kids as young as 6 borrow their parents smartphones and play games. Unlike, in our times when we would be happy to see another kid of the same age.

I do not know how far I shall be successful in my endeavours. I am hoping to find like minded parents and involve Aa in real play time and friendship.

I wonder if it is as tough as it sounds?

Comparisons

It starts with innocent childhood milestones. Does your kid sit up? Does s/he crawl? How many teeth does s/he have? Oh, mine is a fast learner. My baby has 16 teeth. Mine walks unsupported at 8 months, what does your kid do?

Don't they sound familiar? That is because at some point each parent has compared their kid to another of the same age.  Are they slow? Are they lacking skills? Is this how it is supposed to be? Probably, the parents fear if or not their kids are developing the way they should.

Even long after they are convinced that everything is fine with the kids, they do not stop comparing. Even if the parent doesn't do it, someone else is always ready to strike up a match. Yesterday, a friend pinged me for a heart to heart, where comparison was discussed.

Every child, every individual is different. I have realised that over and over again in the past year. A lot of my friends had babies almost the same time that I had mine with some weeks here and there. And no two of them had the same developmental path. To say, Aarnavi has been a classic example of baby center emails. Her milestones were bang on. Every week I used to be surprised to read emails that looked like they were custom-made for Aarnavi. Yes, in a certain manner, life was easy for me. I did not have to obsess over if this was normal or that was not normal. In no way does it mean that my child is perfect or even that the others are below par. The faster parents learn to embrace their child's every aspect, whether good or bad, the better for the child.

The reason why I start with infancy milestones is because everything starts right there. The need to compare children with one another just keeps growing and stems well into their formative years. Comparing is unfair. Comparing can hurt. And comparing can result in low self esteem / bloated ego in kids, depending on which side the kid falls. No one deserves to be compared.

I know it because  I have grown up with my share of being compared to others with my part of the balance always on the sad side. I know how it feels to be constantly measured by a yardstick and not living up to the standards. I have lived at the receiving end of not being perfect compared to others. Trying to be like someone else when you cannot be is an insurmountable task. Hence, the frustration of not being able to, despite trying hard is unimaginable.

From physical attributes like height and weight, to grades in school/ college, to finer skills like cooking. I have been, and even today am, compared. Today, it doesn't matter much to me. I do what pleases me and such comments pass by without affecting me. But it was not so earlier. Every comment was a stab. Every put down felt like being stomped upon. Relatives are meant to do it. One of my aunts has never passed an opportunity to look down upon me in some way or the other. Her child has always been superior. I hated having to visit them or having them over. I always wished we could avoid them, but never could as they are close relatives. Sadly, my parents didn't react much to it. They have also at times compared me with V, which of course I hated and made me sad. I never thought of complaining for the fear of others thinking I was all sour grapes.

Comparing makes one angry and rebellious or vain and egotistic, again depending on where s/he stands.  That anger and rebellion can go in two extreme ways. One it can give you the will and strength to prove everyone wrong and overcome all obstacles. For others, like me, will learn to give up, sometimes too easily. It is a major bog to ones self esteem. Imagine being reminded repeatedly of others' achievements and lack of yours. Unfortunately, this tendency to give up early and easily stays well into your life. (To give up giving up requires a lot lot more hard work). Till date I haven't been able to get rid of my habit. I won't even give it a try.

I can explain why it feels better to abandon the battle. Basically, it is a battle. You may have heard of the saying "Try but don't cry" or even "You shouldn't stop trying until you get there." There is also "Barking up the wrong tree." and "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." I believe in the latter. It is so much easier to say "No I cannot do it." than try and fail and be reminded about it, humiliated and written off forever. There is no appreciation for having tried hard despite not wanting to/ inability to do so. Making someone understand about your abilities and inabilities is not worth your time. It is best to avoid such comments and shut them out.

Each one has a different design. If one can do something well, other might just not be able to wrap it around his head. It doesn't mean one is superior and other is useless. Again, I say that comparing is unfair. It is wrong to pit one individual against another. For a child growing up constantly being compared, it causes immense stress and harsh mental effects. (I have not researched on any, but it is my experience). It stumps free and healthy growth.

Why as parents do we want to be a cause of mental abuse to kids. Why does looking down at someone else so inviting? What kind of thrill we derive out of it? I have friends who compare their kids with Aarnavi, saying she is this tall, my kid isn't, or when did she start eating solids, mine is this older than yours and still refuses to. I take the opportunity to tell them that their kid might not be ready for it, or maybe they haven't yet experienced the growth spurt and they should wait for it. I have problems with my kid too, and I discuss them when I feel the need to/ when I feel something might not be right. But instead of turning a discussion into a raving comparing debate, I try to make it more into how to deal with it session.

Comparisons creep in mind. Call it maternal instinct or basic human nature. It is there. It is important to nip it in the bud and make conscious effort not to do it. If someone else does it, telling them right in the beginning should avoid further attacks.

I do not know how what skills my child has. Whether she'll be good in studies, or she'll prefer sports over fashion. I do not know. But one thing I know for sure is I will not be comparing her with peers. I will not stunt her mental growth by telling her she is too stupid to do something. I do not think it is the way to get the best out of someone. It certainly did not work for me.

We, the non-sharers

Disclaimer : A post meant for women, but you may read too

How many of us like to share? I don't mean a meal, or clothes and shoes. I certainly do not mean FB sharing. How many of us share our stories? By stories I mean those ones which we may not necessarily be proud of. It may be a small incident, like being shouted at by a superior at the office, or it could be a life-shattering one, like being a victim of sexual harassment and all those remaining ones that lie in between. We believe in zipping our mouths and going about our daily lives as if nothing ever has gone awry. 

The problem with non-sharing is that we never realize if we have been right or wrong. We assume and accept that the fault lies within us; while showing the world that we are perfect, strong women with no dents whatsoever. Why do we consider opening up as a shameful act? Why does it feel so negative? 

To take off the ambiguity of this post, let me say that I went through a lot of revelations during and after my pregnancy. They changed a little bit in me for good; for now I believe that speaking up and sharing not only eases your mind but also helps another person who is in dire need for directions. 

The whole mother hood thing is a lot more than it looks. It causes permanent changes in the physical and emotional you. To cope with those changes, a woman needs a lot more comforting and boosts of confidence. 

I had some tough times while going through all this. And I believed in shutting up too. I did not want to look like a loser mom when everyone else was battling it out so fiercely. And then came along a blog post from a fellow mommy that seemed to open up the Pandora's box of mommy emotions. And that is how the emails and chats of mommydom all began with my friends. 

Over the course of next few days, I have decided to share my story of pregnancy and child birth. Stick to me if you are interested. 

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And so I begin my first mini-a-thon of the year. This one is a theme based one "Pregnancy & Child birth".

Day 17 :: Being Spineless

I have encountered many people who believe in letting go. I think it is a good as long as it lets you stay in peace. That is the most important thing, isn't it?

Call it a way of life or that people have started being more indifferent and insensitive to each other. It isn't easy to escape taunts, vile remarks, injustice or rudeness nowadays. It's just there. It depends on the receptor how he deals with all that. Some prefer to give it all back and oters will keep mum. Like I said, whatever makes you happy.

I wonder why people would want to take it all in, only to complain behind the back. I believe that if you have a problem then talk it out. If it troubles you, say it. If anything gets to you on a personal level, stand up for yourself. Is taking shit from people a better option than feeling shitty yourself?

In my office, there was an HR person, who thought she was above all. She thought she had this "HR" aura about her and that she was untouchable. It didn't bother me any more than it was digusting. Well I kept to myself. She was her way, I was mine. Slowly she started pulling people up and giving them a earful left, right center for work not well done. Now, considering the situation in the office, that was certainly needed. She thought of a way out, instead of selecting employees here and there, why not call every one and tell them that their job is below expected standards. And that's what she did.

It was my turn and she told me so, curtly, without even bothering to look at my work history. I was certainly pissed at such lowly manner, she dealt with me. I said "Prove it." And her jaw dropped.

I said "Sorry to say but I am not gonna accept anything you say here, unless you give me a solid proof of what you are accusing me of. I can give you the proof of my job being done accurately and not you and not even the bigger boss will be able to reiterate that."

She was fuming.

And that was just one of many. Other employees were raging too, but were too timid to speak up. They expected me to speak up and stand up for them, which I didn't. I think each person should e able to say a rightful "NO" when they are supposed to. Instead of harbouring so much bitterness for a long time, why not speak it out and get done with it?

There are such gems placed in the family too. No matter what the situation or celebration, they will love to temper the occassion with their disapproving comments that will spoil your mood.

We are often taught to respect the elders and mind our tongues when we speak with them. But that in no way means the younger do not deserve any respect. It is considered ok for them to mistreat the younger people all in the name of fun.

I have decided to be upfront and blunt wiht such people. No matter how they percieve me, but I am going to be me. If it stinges me, I am going to bite back without regrets. And that is what I have done, in the past and continue to do so.

I do let go - Once, twice and in some cases thrice. Only when the perpetrator crosses this level do I get really mean. If someone does not maintain a decorum, I don't see why I should. Why should I let someone slap me and get away with it?


How lenient can you be with such people? Do you let them hurt you and get away with it? Or do you find it easy to forgive and forget?

Day 10 :: Horrorscopic

Isn't it wonderful to believe that those twinkle twinkle little stars guide our destiny?!

Call it imperfect science, but people have reasons to swear by its worth. There are believers, non-believers and then there are people like me - who cannot yet decide whether or not to believe.

I have my reasons. Earlier, as a kid I thought it was some god written scripture for each one of us which only the learned pundits could read. As a young adult, I wish-washed the entire thing by calling it a man made hoopla.

Then came a day when I was awestruck! One of my uncles read my horoscope and told every big and small thing about me. I haven't met this uncle since I was a few years old. And here he was telling every minute grain about my nature.

Not just that, he even predicted correctly about my marriage. He said my would-be husband was where my brother was working, but currently (then)he is abroad.

He also said that my wbh would be right under my nose and yet I won't be able to see him. (for those who do not know the story, KK was all the while before me and I never knew I was gonna marry him)

I had goosebumps when my parents told me all this.

I still cannot completely bring myself to give in to believing. I do not trust the horoscope matching during marriages. It is considered to be the sole strong base in arranged marriages. Many of them who had had an excellent match are now living in sad marriages.

Not everyone though. There are happy arranged marriages and there are sad love marriages.

There are some who will go ahead with an alliance without bothering much about horoscope matching, which was the case in my and V's marriage. (mind you, mom had made sure, long long long back that we will net good spouses by asking a pundit against our individual horoscope) and hence the decision not to press.

While that was the case at my place, my mother in law, a strong believer, consulted their pundit who told her "This girl needs to be understood in depth. She is of complex nature." Isn't that true?! ;)

I feel it is ok to consult the H once in a while. Just so that it gives you a rough path to follow. But sometimes when somethings are revealed or suggested by looking at the horoscope, one should think before blindly taking a plunge. Like I was told that if I didn't get married by 22, my marriage would be delayed until I turned 27. That hit the panic button on my parents and hence began a frantic search.

But guess what, I didn't get married until 25 and at 27, I already have a daughter!

Beat that! ;)

Random Update

I'm still here. Fine and eating and  most importantly, sleeping! Jr.'s arrival is probably a week or ten days away. So this is real test of time. It is dragging and dragging.

Every time I sleep, I dream of my baby. Once I saw a boy, second time I saw a girl and third time I didn't know the gender. So I guess I really have no preference for a boy or a girl. I'll be happy with either of them. :) :)

I am due for a USG and doc appointment tomorrow and the day after, resp. I'll probably have something solid to say on when Jr. is planning his/ her arrival. hee!

BTW, I wonder if the preggyfection is getting to all my friends. Everyone's following the suit! :)

I am 90% gonna have a C-section. But then, you never know. Here I might be thinking about evading the labor pains and Jr. might just change his/her mind and position. :P I know I am impulsive; guess Jr.'s too!

We have baby names ready; well since a very long time. And I absolutely luuuuuv them! No, I am not revealing the alphabet. Keep guessing until I tell you.

I am reading blogs regularly like I did earlier. Just this time I am not commenting, because I feel terribly lazy to click on the link. Similarly there are a lot of blog posts in my head too that I wish I could do but I am not doing them.

I attended my best friend's reception and gathered a lot of attention and "all the bests" from many.  Ooooo... I loved being the center of attention! Every one said that I don't look fat. That creamed me.

That reminds me, last time I said I hadn't put on any weight. Taking the comment to heart my dear KK stuffed me with food for whole 7 days and that showed on the doc's weighing scale. I'd put on 2 kgs in one week! :O

KK had his birthday the previous week. And I didn't buy him a gift, neither had any surprise planned like I'd done last year.  It was quite family affair. My dad surprised us by getting a cake and flowers. It was followed by a family dinner in a nearby restaurant.

Well, that's about it for now. Will probably update once again day after.

:) :) :)

How people change

One moment they are friendly, the next they behave strangely obtuse! Such are some people, who have the knack to turn down others without as much of remorse. Apparently, there is no reason for such change in behaviour. Or rather, if there is, it is hardly communicated, which leaves the other person in turmoil of emotions in addition to being clueless. 

The same thing has happened to us. There was this family (R) we knew since a long time back. Long time means around 10-15 years. In fact, their daughters were the same age as V and me. Let's call them Sm and Sy respectively. R-Aunty was also pretty friendly and chatty. The families were introduced through me and Sy. Although in different schools, we used to often talk/ discuss about our curriculum. She was my playmate too. That brought us really close. Eventually, R-aunty decided to pay us a visit. 

Friendship between my mom and R aunty also blossomed. Idle chats, coming over for tea, invitations for pooja and every other small things that is involved in women friendship was present. As time passed by, trust and faith seemed to deepen. Soon R-aunty started opening her heart to my mom. She would often speak about her domestic hitches. How her husband would not provide enough money at home, how it was difficult for her to manage expenses despite her salary, how insensitive the girls were, how they don't pay attention to studies, how her husband was least bothered about savings, how in this world was she going to get her daughters married etc. 

She would often come to our place to unload her baggage. She said it relieved her to speak it out to my mom, as she was a good listener and her advice made sense to her deranged mind. She would also come for small favours. "I will not be home today evening when Sy comes home. Can she stay here till I return?", "Do you have a change for Rs. 100?", "Would you mind taking Marathi tutions for Sy? Both (me and Sy) are in the same class. You can teach her when you teach your daughter."

One day there was an unusual favour asked "Can I tie Rakhi to your husband? He's like an elder brother to me."My mom heeded to this humble request. That year during Raksha bandhan, R aunty came armed not just with a pretty Rakhi but also gifts for all of us. Mom felt a bit uncomfortable at this, since we had only bought a sari for her. In spite of politely denying her gifts for us, she insisted that my mom was now like a bhabhi to her and we were like her own children. 

As days passed by; which eventually became months; R aunty would be a regular visitor. Every time she would wail out her woes, curse her husband and say how lucky my mom was to have such a beautiful household. She would sing praises of her new "bhaiyya" and nephew and niece. 

These sessions started getting a bit out of hand. Every single day, she would come and start crying. Ours was a happy household. In spite of hardships, we were never dissatisfied. Even in worst situations, we have never seen our parents slapping their foreheads. Neither did they like that. It would thus be very awkward and uncomfortable for us when she continued her lamentations. 

Mom still didn't have a heart to tell her directly that what she was doing was undesirable. Discreetly, however, she made R aunty understand that problems were every where and crying over them would never help. She said the first thing you should do is stop grinding the problem, instead look for a solution and work upon it. If husband was not supportive, then it was time for her to involve her daughters and take them into confidence. If they never came to know of their mother's hardships, how were they going to help? 

Thankfully, these words of wisdom did have a positive effect on her and slowly the sad visits dwindled. Her problems seemed negligible before her enthused self. She truly rescued herself from miseries. 

The Raksha bandhan stint lasted for just 3 years. After that she conveniently forgot all about her "elder brother" whom she worshipped. Although, all this time she was friendly and would discount a polite conversation on two whenever we met. Growing kids left no time for idle afternoon chat. Thus, meetings were strictly restricted to meeting on the way to the market. 

Within some more months, some more changes took place. Where my mom was always the first one to be invited for all sorts of poojas to her place, now she came to know of them through other ladies. Not just that, R aunty started avoiding talking to her even on the way to the market. Whenever they met, she would only answer the questions asked and try to get away as soon as possible. 

At first, we didn't pay much attention to this. Mom disregarded it saying probably she was caught up in something. 

We shifted our house when V was getting married. She was invited for the reception. There she was her usual self. Showering blessings on the couple and filling N with details and saying how lucky she was to be in the family. Naturally we thought all was well. 

Since we'd moved to a new area (though not too far from our old house) crossing paths with R aunty was rare. Whenever it did, one would think there'd be hour long chats exchanging pleasantries and swapping news. Instead, R aunty started looking the other way, and sometimes even resorted to crossing roads just to avoid my mom. 

Through Orkut, I came to know her elder daughter, Sm, got married. Among 500 odd people that were invited, we were blissfully forgotten. Decked in gold and diamond jewelry, the bride was looking stunning. Not to mention the exquisitely decorated, orchid filled mandap! 

Not being invited didn't hurt as much as not being informed at all even after meeting by chance after the wedding. Mom did not bother asking. She was way too dignified to demand an explanation for the same. Recently again mom was face to face with her. And it certainly isn't her nature to insult any person standing in front of her. She acknowledged R aunty with a smile and got back as much as a grimace from her. 

Through some sources, we came to know that R aunty holds a high position in her work place now. Mom wonders if this fact has some thing to do with the haughtiness in her attitude. Is financial position a valid reason to strike off friendships? To forget those who have been there when needed? To throw people off your life like they were a fly in the milk?

If that was the case, my mom should have never befriended her in the first place. There was a time in our lives too when there was not a single Re. in the house to be spared for extra expenses. Hardships knocked hard on our doors too. Parents have dealt with such situations maturely, not once letting it show on their faces. Relationships are the same as they were before. A promotion from 2 bedroom house to a large 3 bedroom house; from a second hand Premier Padmini to a Honda City and Alto; from unemployment to high post salary did not even once affect the good relations we have had with people all along. 

I wonder whatever went wrong. I wonder why people change. I wonder how is it justified. 

Is it how people are meant to be? Or are we living in prehistoric times?

Day 29 : Roadies = Life?

Thinking of the show Roadies, don't you think it is a mini model of life? If you are familiar with it, you'll know what I am talking about.

There is a bigger controller,who stirs up interesting twists and turns in the whole game. The contestants have to perform tasks and excel at it to go ahead and stay in the game. And that is not all. They have to continuously come up with plans to make themselves immune from vote outs. Survival till the end is their biggest motive. There are no fixed rules to the game. They can be changed any time by the controller. Thus, whatever strategies the participants may have, are usually dismissed without a thought. There are friends, open enmity, indifference, attitude problems between participants. There is back stabbing, plans, fights, betrayals and sometimes love even.

I see so many similarities here. How many times do we plan our lives just to find ourselves slapped in our face with a new plan (perhaps for the good, or for the bad). We try and chalk out every small details and make rough attempts to predict obstacles in the way. It doesn't work every time, but the thing is, we can never call it unfair.

There are so many people we interact with. We never know which one is our real friend, or who wants to see you go down. While there will be some instances where you will feel like giving it all; there will also be times when being selfish is the only option available. You need to survive the worst of conditions. And survival becomes brutal.

As for the tasks, we perform them too. In everyday life, we are performing them. Some do it grudgingly, some do it willingly. Everyone does it though to go ahead. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we excel in it to such extent that we are immune to failures.

As for winning or losing, each one defines it in a different manner.

On a personal note, though I like the show, i would prefer they mind thier languages. It has become like an open sewer tank.

Day 27 : Love-ination

A while back I read this and I couldn't agree more.

Love is so mis-defined nowadays. It is a must-have trend and time pass for many young people. I sound old and aunty-ish when I say this. But love, certainly has lost its meaning and is easily replaceable.

I have always interpreted love as commitment, honor, respect, trust and communication. I have also believed throughout my teenage and later that I can love only one person. For me, it was never so fickle to be played around with. Love, for me, holds many emotions.

People take foolish steps in name of love. And then they conveniently call it blind. In my opinion, love is never blind. Its you who categorically ignore all the defects and pot holes only to dig them up later and regret. I know couple who fell in love, got married and had had problems. Not just adjustment hitches. They were big time problems that created a rift between the two of them. When you actually see what went wrong, you can see the problem lay much before the matrimonial ties.

Love is never bringing flowers and chocolates. It is not hugs and kisses and tons of I love you notes. It is not remembering birthdays and anniversaries only for bringing gifts. It is all that too, but in the back drop. Mainly, when you say you love someone, you should be capable enough to make it work through difficulties, which requires commitment and responsible attitude. If you want to take your love to marriage and kids and further lifelong togetherness then it is your responsibility to stock take your abilities to get through thick and thin.

The word "love" has become so shallow. Everyone uses it and throws it around. All you need is a boy to give a girl a red rose and they think they are "in love". Not that they may not be, but hardly a few of them stick to each other and mature their love. Most cases, one fight and it all starts falling apart like a house of cards. Today, we see many college students with arm candies, feeding chocolates to each other, looking deeply into each others eyes, pushing and pulling lovingly - I wonder how many of them do really understand "love". Or maybe it is just a fling that they never intended to take further. I, for one, have never been comfortable to play around with emotions and let it go as if nothing happened at all.

I am not saying everything is rosy good with a couple in love. There are times when we don't see eye to eye. There are times when mistakes are made and there is some resentment. All that stays for sometime, but you always got to keep the bigger picture in mind. It is necessary to know that you are answerable to your other half and vice versa. Its not my ego v/s yours. It is about taking the correct route out of the mess, be it mine, be it yours.

It is cute to be serenaded once in a while. It is cuter to get an expensive gift. But only once in a while. Love is not made up of superficial things like these, though they add to its glamor.

Many a times, I used to be asked "What is your idea of romance?"

Today, I say small gestures are romantic enough. You don't need the ambience, nor do you require a date that is super expensive. I find it really romantic when after a pot luck party at our house, KK pitches in to clean the kitchen without me having to ask him to do so.

It is romantic when he tells me, in response to my "what to make for dinner?", "Let's just grab whatever's left in the fridge."

It is up to you to see the romance in daily life instead of seeking it in surprise dates and gifts. It lies in understanding the difficulties your partner must be going through. Romance shows up in least expected situations. It is our duty to keep our eyes and hearts open to receive it.

No one teaches you this stuff, a little common sense, a little maturity and a little patience takes you a long way.

Day 20 : You Freak Me

Some people just freak me. I don't have to know them or even talk to them. I can be at a safe distance and yet feel their creepiness injecting into me. Don't why or even how; I feel very repelled by these people and no matter what they do, I can never feel comfortable around them.

Its not the way they look or dress or talk or behave, its just there - that creepiness. The moment I set my eyes on them I am like 'ewww!' Call it my intuition or whatever; I have never been wrong about feeling that way. When I finally get to talk to them or know them better, I find out that they are disgusting. They are not disturbing in the same manner, they differ. They can be extra haughty, perverts, over bearing, intrusive, criminal minded, cranky, whatever. The moment I look at such people, I have this uneasy feeling in me which tells me to stay far, far away from them.

1. There was this new joinee in the office. Let's call him Mr. W. While we waited in the parking for the office to open, Mr. W was walking towards us. I don't know if it was the way he walked or the look on his face; I immediately felt repelled by him and had no intentions of being introduced to him. Though that was tough to happen, considering we were supposed to be working in the same office.

Days passed and he used to try to 'fit in' the crowd. He'd call me from his desk during coffee time etc. That was pretty normal for anyone to ask during break times, but still he'd freak me completely. I avoided him as much as possible. Eventually he realized I was not even being social towards him and he slowly stopped interacting with me. Only after some female employees had a bad experience with him, did they know he was not to be entertained.

My initial feelings towards him were not wrong and it saved me from having any incidence with that fella.

2. As soon as I came here, I met many people that I was supposed to meet. There was this one female among them. Let's call her Ms. Y. When I met her at a get together, Ms. Y was all chirpy, laughy and loud. One would probably like her. I didn't. I have no clue why. I just did not want to stay in the same room as she. I got introduced and I could see it all over her face. Fake smile, fake talk, fake everything.

I never wanted to see her again. However, sometimes, people do have to meet once in a while and it so happened, we did. And this time there was no fake-ness. There was utter ignorance as if I wasn't anywhere in the periphery of her vision. This happens nonetheless, when she is invited to our house for dinner (with other friends). Of course, no points for guessing there was no reciprocal gestures either.

Oh, maybe she didn't like me either, like I didn't in the first place. Fair enough. I overlooked that, thinking I must be over reacting. But for the third time, when she looked through KK even and did not even try to make an eye contact while sitting right across us at a table, that was it She was supposedly his friend and I see no reason why there should be such animosity when there has been no provocation for it.

Since that day, I have made it clear to KK. I do not want that female any where near me and certainly not in my house if she cannot even acknowledge the host.

3. There is this another guy that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let's call him Mr. E. Though he hasn't done anything yet to prove me right, I get this uneasy feeling around him. He looks total tharrqi, and he scares me too. I am gonna avoid him as much as I can.

I don't know if I am the only such blessed with this divya shakti or is it the famous women's intuition that has started showing up way too frequently than before. I can't explain it well to anyone. There are these negative feelings that just do not go away as much as I try to think otherwise. And till date, people towards whom I have felt negative to this extent have always been in my bad books.

I am forever gonna listen to that inner voice of mine even though others might think I am a bit jumpy. I have always believed in being safe than sorry.

Day 7 : Just...

Spring is here, bringing along with it some new beginnings, new relations, new dreams, new outlook.

We are all for welcoming it (not without my outbursts of how I hate the unpredictable spring weather). We are having friends over for dinner, and it is gonna be one night to remember. With some people leaving us (temporarily, we're hoping), it is gonna be bitter-sweet. We are looking forward to the sweet part. Bitter can wait.

Just wrote this down now, to mark a date and not forget it in future. Maybe, one day, when we read this and feel nostalgic, April 23rd won't be just another day!

Day 5 : Connect disconnect

Isn't it amazing how you lose contact with a person for many years and suddenly one day, just like that, they find you like a needle in a hay stack! This has happened twice with me. And both the times it was through social networking sites!

It is ironic, where one newly-made friend is going far far away; an old friend is reconnecting. Something like "doobte ko tinke ka sahara"?

Just wondering...

Day 2 : The Twisty Knot Called Marriage

Marriages may be made in heaven but I think it is up to us to make our marriage a heaven. After *successful* completion of one year of marital life, I can stand on a podium and start lecturing. :) Not really, just a bit maybe.

Looking around me at some of my relatives, friends, acquaintances, who have (had) fragile wedded lives, I was terrified of what would be in store for me. As it turns out, all it needs is a bit of everything to work it out. 

My marriage has some mutually agreed upon rules & guidelines to it. And these rules & guidelines are not the ones that require any of us to stand in attention and obey them, but the ones that gently course our lives. They act like a buffer system when there's a fear of hitting the rocks. They keep us happy and smiling most of the times. We aren't experienced people to state definitively that this formula works for everybody. It may; it may not. Each one has to find the fine tuning and balance to their married life. We have observed people around us, seen what keeps them clicked and what draws them apart. We filtered the right ways, enlisted the wrong approach and tried to learn from them. And till now, it has worked perfectly fine. Then why not share it?

Whenever we talk about two individuals, there's bound to be a difference of opinion. Even with us not every day was full of love and rosy red hearts. There have been some days of complaining, whining and don't talk to me. Tears shed here and there. There's no denying to the grey days. There have been times when we have had word dueling sessions on every Saturday of the month. That led us to wonder what in the world has gone wrong with our relationship? However, talking to many other friends restored the faith in us that we are as normal as other couples who fight every weekend because they have nothing to do!

And this is where you need strength, courage and openness of heart to accept mistakes, forgive and come forward to speak about it. We have learnt this only after having a few back and forth of words. 

As much angry as we may be, we never raise our voices (or a hand). I think it is important to respect a person even when you are having an argument with him. Sometimes, argument is the best teacher. It will teach you how not to make the same mistake again; i.e. if you are mature enough to learn from it. 

Trust - One thing that keeps a marriage going, they say. Trust is good; blind trust, not. How many times have we seen women defending their husbands "Main apne pati ke baare main ek shabd bhi nahi sunana chahti!", even when she sees every possible proof of his money philandering activities and extra marital affair? 

Trust is something that needs to be built over a period of time. It isn't something that you can discount a loved person with. Blind trust can only hurt and shatter you. Not every person is trustworthy, but if he is then he'll build it with you. Trust comes from frequent, open communication.

Talking for me, is perhaps the most important factor. However hard or bitter it is, I talk it out. If not, I carry around a heaviness with me, which just keeps worsening till I have had it off my mind. Likewise, I make it a point to volunteer and ask if anything I did was disturbing. Opening up has helped to avoid a lot many arguments and bad feelings later that would have piled up as a result of not communicating. 

Problems arise every where. Tackling them require skill, patience and understanding. Many of these things I am yet to learn and master. But knowing what I need to know brings me a long way. At least I know what I need to begin with. 

As I said, I have some of my friends who are going through rough patches(so rough that it starts to affect everyone around them) in their marital life. And they are recently married. I just wish they could manage to sort their lives out and soon.

I cannot take names and say it to them, but if they ever come here and read :

1. You may be a child at heart but when necessity arises, you need to grow up.

2. Not everyone is rich to afford many luxuries as soon as you start your married life. Do try and understand that earlier you better half was single and his spending was half. Now he is married, earning is still the same but spending is doubled.(If you are not lending a hand i.e.) 

3. The girl who is staying with you has already sacrificed a lot when she married you. She is staying in a new house, a new environment just because you promised her love, affection and lifetime of commitment. She is not a piece of rag that you use, abuse and throw. 

4. Parents got you two married because they thought you were capable of handling responsibilities. Do not go running to them for every small needs and fissures. They have invested close to 25 yrs of their life looking after you. They deserve a break and need to enjoy life. Don't burden them with your troubles. If you need to take a third person's perspective sometimes, talk to your siblings, or best friend. 

5. Let go ego! They work in corporate world, not at home. 

6. Saving money is good... but that doesn't mean giving up having fun. Enjoy when you can. Sometimes buying things on an impulse is good. But only "sometimes".

7. Resolve fights and make peace. Do not leave it unattended. Else you'd be fighting over it even after you celebrate your Golden Jubilee.

8. Suspecting your partner only insults your choice of marrying him/ her. 

One of the best marriage lines I have heard was on one of the Marathi serials "He naatach asa asta, taNla tar tut-ta ani sodla tar sutt-ta" which means "This (husband-wife) relation is queer; you try to pull it- it snaps, you let it lose, it slips."

ETA 1 : Can't thank KK enough for all the love and patience he has shown throughout the year and even now. I  can be pretty difficult to live with. His voluminous patience that absorbed all my tantrums, madness, crying spells, bad hair days, has mellowed me down a bit.

KK :: I love you, but I don't want to be your husband.
Me :: (almost dead at that comment, thinking WTH? He means live-in... how the hell am I supposed to react to this... what will I tell my parents? God! I am screwed)
KK :: We'll be friends just like we are now. warna we'll fight like other husbands and wives.

We fight alright. But not like other husbands and wives.


ETA 2 : Rachana was the one who pointed out "Tali ek haath se nahi bajti" So thanks to her as well for opening my eyes! *sniff*

Friends?!

Everyone has them - with varying degrees of friendship. I have them too. Some are close, some are very close and a few are close to getting close.

Friendship is kind of vague to understand. But it a basic tool required to pull, push and squeeze through life. Sometimes you make friends for life and sometimes you just can't keep them for more than a month. The latter simply fade out; friendship fizzles out; and the chemistry you once shared begins to seem obsolete. And there will be surprising few incidents where you are not in contact for 15 years and still, when you find them through non conventional medium, you'll start from where you left it off. 

I have tasted each one of these in my life too! I have solid friends that I know are gonna stay with me forever. By forever I mean, even if we do lose touch, we will not feel awkward to connect after eons. However, for the moment they are there with me, like they have been since a long time. They know who they are. :) 

And there are other close friends too who have been my pillars in times of extreme necessities. For me, moral and emotional support mean a lot than any other kind of help. They have extended a helping hand and lent an ear. They know when to listen, when to give an advice and when to keep mum. They have provided me with different perspective when everything I saw was in one direction. Especially when I was to get married, there were a lot of great guidelines by friends who have been there done that. No points for guessing how badly I needed these sessions when not many in family would encourage my feelings (nervousness, anxiety, insecurity, curiosity, fear of rejection)

Opposite sex friendships rock too, with a tad bit risk of tipping over to the other side. Not many can carry on with a platonic relation and NOT necessarily think each time you laugh at their jokes and play a prank on them mean you have fallen in love with them. I have struck gold with these too, who have been good listeners, entertainers, jokers, logical thinkers. I married one of them. And my marriage to him hasn't affected the bond and friendship with many others. Of course, there were a few who tried to tip the balance discreetly. And, it was up to me to maintain or throw the person off balance. Some took it graciously, others reacted childishly. I am sure I am not the only girl in this world to have gone through this.

The unexplained ones. Their whooshing presence in life makes me wonder. How they came and how they went never seem to find a logical reason. They hit off with me beautifully, accepted me wholeheartedly, laughed, cried, back slapped, high fived and one fine day abandoned all of it. Coming to think of it, the feeling was mutual. It's like we dumped each other at the same time with no hard feelings... in fact with no feelings at all. One day I come to know that they have just struck me off their friend list. Suddenly, the birthday wishes, excitement over "changed relationship status", phone calls, texting dwindled and I was ok, although I would have loved to have a closure on it. 

I am not the kind of person who dives deep, head first into any relationship. I take my time. If that does happen, I stop to analyse , look through and think on it. Like many others, I find it hard to gulp disappointments. I'd rather brake my speed than get my hands burnt and cry over it. 

Friends are like stickers, some of them are glued to you till death and some of them just fall off due to lack of gum. I guess we have to take them as they are. 

Name Game

Have you come across funny surnames? I know, it is considered bad manners - making fun of names, surnames etc. Debate-able, touchy issues those are! However, I have come across some classic surnames and classic-er alliances of such surnames.

You might be knowing the joke which goes like - What's the name of the guy with 3 knees? Nitin
What's the surname of the guy with 6 knees? - Sahani. What's the full name of guy with 9 knees? Nitin Sahani. Well, something like that.

My area for this post is mainly restricted to (majority of) Maharashtrian surnames, since the obvious fact that I have lived my whole life in MH. I hope Maharashtrian bandhu- bhaginis will take this lightly... with a pinch of salt. And for those extra sensitive ones, I highly recommend a bowlful of salt. After all, I don't want ANY jumpy Maharashtrian Manoos to feel insulted and then spam my comments section with hate mails and brickbats and lecture and etc. and etc.

Often I have teased V. "What if our surname was 'Nayak'?" - I would ask. Then in the same breath I'd say "Then your name would be Vinayak Nayak". I relentlessly continued "What if our surname was 'Nayak' and our Dad's name started with a 'V'? Then your name would be Vinayak V. Nayak... that's like calling your name twice!!"

I just couldn't stop there, for I continued "What if my name was 'Prabha'? Then I would be 'Prabha Prabhu'. :D "And then what if our dad's name was Prabhakar? Then I would be 'Prabha Prabhakar Prabhu'?" :D

There are safe surnames and there are volatile ones. The latter ones can make you range from a chuckle to a full throated laughter. Sometimes I wonder how they live with such ones. Not ashamed maybe, but admit it, they do tend to fall on the funnier side. I mean, what do you think of Potdukhe (roughly meaning stomach ache), Tupe (Ghee), Hirwe (Green), Takle (bald), Phatak (gate), Dahibhate (curd rice) etc?

Imagine marriages of such families. In fact, I got thinking when recently there was a marriage at our neighbour's place. Their surname is 'Kurkure' and the bride's side was 'TaLele'. When we went to attend the marriage, I couldn't stop giggling; for the board read 'TaLele & Kurkure' which means Fried Crispy! That's what I call a perfect alliance.

Some more perfect matches as below ::

Imagine the groom's surname as 'Wagh - Tiger' and the bride's surname as 'Waghmare - Tiger Hunter' :D

Imagine the groom's surname as 'Gupchup - the silent ones' and the bride's 'Badbade - The talkitive'. :D

Imagine the groom's surname as 'Kale - Black' and the bride's 'Gore - Fair'. The children hence become Grey? :D

Imagine the groom's surname 'Dhere - big, fat stomach' and the bride's 'Potphode - someone who'll burst the stomach' :D

Imagine the groom's surname 'Sakhardande - sugar candy' and the bride's 'Tikhe - Chilly hot' :D

Imagine the groom's surname 'Kate - Thorn' and the bride's 'Phule - Flowers'. Would her name after marriage be 'Phul aur Kaate'? :D

Then there are parts of the body - 'Doke - The head', 'Mane - the neck' and of course, our very own GSB surname 'Pai - the foot'

And then there are those who manhandle the body parts 'Kanpile - the one who twists ears' and 'Paitode - the leg breaker'

Hey what if there is an intercaste marriage between 'Pai' and 'Paitode'??

And then there are the intellectuals too. 'Vichare - the thinker' and 'Shahane - the intelligent'

And the humans that don't sound like one 'Gaitonde - face of cow', 'Kolhe - the fox', 'Landge - the wolf'

And the metal lovers 'Tambe - copper man', 'Lokhande - Iron man', 'Pitale - Brass man', 'Sonar - Goldsmith', 'Lohar - Blacksmith'...

I hope, by now you are done with your bowlful of salt. Is there more to it? Add on if you know some interesting ones. Will add them here.

What's in a surname?

Rayshma's this post triggered in me a thought that was reeling at the back of my mind. It seems an obvious step to adopt and change to an altogether new name, surname and hence a new identity after marriage. It's been there since ages, I guess... and pretty much accepted as a norm.

At some point of time during my childhood, V often teased me as "paraya dhan" and made me feel bad. I sensed that, in a few years, I won't be belonging here anymore. So much for a child's thought. Though as I grew up, I have come to believe that I will always belong to my parents no matter what. I'll still be their daughter, still be hankering for their acceptance, their blessings and even their criticism. Marriage does not change my relationship with them - if yes, it is always for the better.

I did not put much thought into whether or not I should retain my surname that I was born with. The main reason was, I liked the double surname concept. For me, double surnames sound sexy and hence I go by the "Prabhu-Kamath" title. Now, coming to think of it, I feel it is more than justified to have my name as above. It honours my dad; it honours my husband. It's the best of both worlds. It is where I belonged earlier (and even now) and it is where I shall build a bond. From a daughter to a daughter-in-law- it brings together two families for me. This is where I identify and discover myself as a person.

It is said that fathers "give" their daughters to the one they think is capable of making a lifelong commitment to her. They certainly do not wash their hands off at the moment they do... rather there is a seed sown of a new relationship between the parents and the daughter that is cherished and nurtured lifelong by both.

I admit, I had feminist ideas earlier. I didn't wanna adopt a different surname, I thought our family was the only greatest one surviving around here. Today, all that's behind me. I don't mind a new surname. Though, I'm yet to accept that I have a changed first name. Rather than accept, I'd call it - get used to it. Coming to the reality, there is a lot of chaos regarding my change of name and surname. In laws call me "Kavya" and many a times, I've had to be told that I was being talked to. There's already a "Purnima" in KK's family (or should I be saying my family ;-) :-)). Thus anyone calling out loud to aunt Purnima, I was the one to raise my hand and stand up only to be reminded that I was not the one they meant. :-)

KK was not much keen to change the name... nor was I... but I really was eager to know what my name would be. KK calls me by the name that I am widely known by, and that is what matters to me the most.

For ease of documentation, if I need to make changes, i don't mind flipping over from "Poornima Prabhu" to "Purnima Kamath". It is just a piece of paper for me. I was born a Prabhu, I guess I will live that way while adopting to a new family. and, why not? And again, why not say as proudly that I belong to the Kamaths as I say I came from the Prabhus? I have grown to love both the families... finally it's not the surname that matters, it is the people.

If you noticed, I have not changed the blog title. That's something I would like to keep it that way. Because, it makes me a girl that I was, I am and would wanna continue to be... free from relations, free from attachments, free from everyone...free from me... even if it is just for a few minutes.