Candid, not Candied

Monday, 18 April 2011

Day 2 : The Twisty Knot Called Marriage

Marriages may be made in heaven but I think it is up to us to make our marriage a heaven. After *successful* completion of one year of marital life, I can stand on a podium and start lecturing. :) Not really, just a bit maybe.

Looking around me at some of my relatives, friends, acquaintances, who have (had) fragile wedded lives, I was terrified of what would be in store for me. As it turns out, all it needs is a bit of everything to work it out. 

My marriage has some mutually agreed upon rules & guidelines to it. And these rules & guidelines are not the ones that require any of us to stand in attention and obey them, but the ones that gently course our lives. They act like a buffer system when there's a fear of hitting the rocks. They keep us happy and smiling most of the times. We aren't experienced people to state definitively that this formula works for everybody. It may; it may not. Each one has to find the fine tuning and balance to their married life. We have observed people around us, seen what keeps them clicked and what draws them apart. We filtered the right ways, enlisted the wrong approach and tried to learn from them. And till now, it has worked perfectly fine. Then why not share it?

Whenever we talk about two individuals, there's bound to be a difference of opinion. Even with us not every day was full of love and rosy red hearts. There have been some days of complaining, whining and don't talk to me. Tears shed here and there. There's no denying to the grey days. There have been times when we have had word dueling sessions on every Saturday of the month. That led us to wonder what in the world has gone wrong with our relationship? However, talking to many other friends restored the faith in us that we are as normal as other couples who fight every weekend because they have nothing to do!

And this is where you need strength, courage and openness of heart to accept mistakes, forgive and come forward to speak about it. We have learnt this only after having a few back and forth of words. 

As much angry as we may be, we never raise our voices (or a hand). I think it is important to respect a person even when you are having an argument with him. Sometimes, argument is the best teacher. It will teach you how not to make the same mistake again; i.e. if you are mature enough to learn from it. 

Trust - One thing that keeps a marriage going, they say. Trust is good; blind trust, not. How many times have we seen women defending their husbands "Main apne pati ke baare main ek shabd bhi nahi sunana chahti!", even when she sees every possible proof of his money philandering activities and extra marital affair? 

Trust is something that needs to be built over a period of time. It isn't something that you can discount a loved person with. Blind trust can only hurt and shatter you. Not every person is trustworthy, but if he is then he'll build it with you. Trust comes from frequent, open communication.

Talking for me, is perhaps the most important factor. However hard or bitter it is, I talk it out. If not, I carry around a heaviness with me, which just keeps worsening till I have had it off my mind. Likewise, I make it a point to volunteer and ask if anything I did was disturbing. Opening up has helped to avoid a lot many arguments and bad feelings later that would have piled up as a result of not communicating. 

Problems arise every where. Tackling them require skill, patience and understanding. Many of these things I am yet to learn and master. But knowing what I need to know brings me a long way. At least I know what I need to begin with. 

As I said, I have some of my friends who are going through rough patches(so rough that it starts to affect everyone around them) in their marital life. And they are recently married. I just wish they could manage to sort their lives out and soon.

I cannot take names and say it to them, but if they ever come here and read :
1. You may be a child at heart but when necessity arises, you need to grow up.
2. Not everyone is rich to afford many luxuries as soon as you start your married life. Do try and understand that earlier you better half was single and his spending was half. Now he is married, earning is still the same but spending is doubled.(If you are not lending a hand i.e.) 
3. The girl who is staying with you has already sacrificed a lot when she married you. She is staying in a new house, a new environment just because you promised her love, affection and lifetime of commitment. She is not a piece of rag that you use, abuse and throw. 
4. Parents got you two married because they thought you were capable of handling responsibilities. Do not go running to them for every small needs and fissures. They have invested close to 25 yrs of their life looking after you. They deserve a break and need to enjoy life. Don't burden them with your troubles. If you need to take a third person's perspective sometimes, talk to your siblings, or best friend. 
5. Let go ego! They work in corporate world, not at home. 
6. Saving money is good... but that doesn't mean giving up having fun. Enjoy when you can. Sometimes buying things on an impulse is good. But only "sometimes".
7. Resolve fights and make peace. Do not leave it unattended. Else you'd be fighting over it even after you celebrate your Golden Jubilee.
8. Suspecting your partner only insults your choice of marrying him/ her. 

One of the best marriage lines I have heard was on one of the Marathi serials "He naatach asa asta, taNla tar tut-ta ani sodla tar sutt-ta" which means "This (husband-wife) relation is queer; you try to pull it- it snaps, you let it lose, it slips."

ETA 1 : Can't thank KK enough for all the love and patience he has shown throughout the year and even now. I  can be pretty difficult to live with. His voluminous patience that absorbed all my tantrums, madness, crying spells, bad hair days, has mellowed me down a bit.

KK :: I love you, but I don't want to be your husband.
Me :: (almost dead at that comment, thinking WTH? He means live-in... how the hell am I supposed to react to this... what will I tell my parents? God! I am screwed)
KK :: We'll be friends just like we are now. warna we'll fight like other husbands and wives.

We fight alright. But not like other husbands and wives.

ETA 2 : Rachana was the one who pointed out "Tali ek haath se nahi bajti" So thanks to her as well for opening my eyes! *sniff*


  1. hey good read...I agree that communication is the foundation of marriage. It is important for couples to take time out, esp even after kids arrive into the picture.
    A post a day keeps your readers near and dear..:-) but it is difficult to write a post about fleeting ideas. I have so many unfinished drafts. They simply do not look as good on paper as in the mind!

  2. hmm... i see that covered a lot of ground.. well done!!!

  3. Awesomeness!!! Very well written, maybe it can be used as a guide or a handbook for making marriages successful, especially in these days where we hear more often than earlier about problems every now and then!!

    Cheers :)

  4. *Respect*

    Just HAD to comment! I think, you already know what i think of it! :)

  5. Uma: I have seen many couples breaking up just bcz they had either no or mis communication! The solution is so simple yet very few adopt it!
    and tell me about unfinished drafts. I have so many of them too! They never look as good to be published though. Thats why blogathon. this keeps me thinking every time of the day!

    Nishanth: We have discussed the comment.

    Nitin: Shouldn't it be "MBA" Prabhu now? ;)
    there's something about taking the horse to the pond etc. remember? Rule book should be drafted in a way that it suits their needs.

    Rach: :) thx girlie! you know how seriously I take your comments on such topics. :) ;)

  6. how true is this :) well written.. waiting for more posts :)

  7. sorry i only manage to read it today but your post blew me off. Its so true not only about marriage but about relationships as well. Thanks for the great post it made my day :)

  8. JY: and u made my day! don't be sorry abt it, my blog appreciates being read, anytime, anywhere! Glad u liked the post. :)


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