Day 23 : I wanna be myself

As much as I try, I cannot change my core nature. It is something I was born with and changing that is not possible. In fact I feel, altering that would alter my personality.

Talking about the negative side of my nature; I tend to be ever complaining, irascible, impatient, non adjusting human being. I can also be blunt, rude, crude, straight talker and tongue lashing. Because of all these traits in me, I was the target for amma's "with-that-nature-you-will-be-in-deep-trouble" talks. Despite many of those talk sessions, I am the same. Perhaps a case of dog's tail.

It is not that one does it purposely. It is ingrained in so much, that it happens more out of reflex than reflecting. There are people born with humongous amount of patience. They could probably wait a million years and see a mountain forming. Not for people like me, who'll just bail out if that doesn't happen within the promised time limit.

I cannot see everything as "OK" when obviously everything is not. I find it easier to vent out, complain to myself and look at it in a negative manner, than pretend that everything is fine and gonna work itself out. This venting cools me down and helps me focus and reassess the situation better. I cannot be patient, and I cannot be collected.

I get angry when I feel people take advantage of me. However, I stand up for myself and defend my stance. People blessed with a kinder heart probably find it difficult to say a "NO" and stop taking shit from others. I cannot see the point of letting people walk all over you while you talk it out to someone but do nothing about it. What hurts me the most is this happens with people who are so good natured that they think it will be wrong of them to fight for what's theirs.

There's more. I cannot forgive anyone who has hurt me emotionally. It is said forgiving is the most selfless deed to do. But I prefer being selfish and happy about it. Why should my forgiveness be so cheap that I hand it over to any moron not even seeking it? Forgive and forget seem good in philosophical worlds where the real world does not exist. If I forgave someone for hurting me badly, I'd lose my self respect. I love me more than the person who has not been kind to me. So where should my loyalty lie?

The biggest courage one could ever show would be to put his foot down, believe and defend himself from any obstacle. I do not believe in being spineless and accepting everything as it is given to us. Keeping opinions to oneself is one thing but remaining mum in times when you need to speak out boldly is sheer cowardice.

It is human to express. It is perfectly normal to feel angry, upset and depressed as long as it is not getting too much. Why is it necessary to make everyone happy around you? Why do you want to keep everyone thinking that it's ok for them to do anything with you? Why give others the freedom to play with you and your emotions?

I know this post is a bit cynical, but so am I!