Pack my stuff.
Turn my back.
One last look.
I care a damn!
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Truth or Dare?
At 11 AM, while in midst of household chores, the door bell rang. She expected a delivery boy standing with a smile on his face and a bouquet of red roses in one hand and probably a gift in another. This is what happened every year during the Valentine's day. She opened the door; and it certainly was a delivery boy with a smile on his face, a bouquet of red roses in one hand and a small gift wrapped packet in another. She couldn't help but smile at her own timed guess.
After 6 years of marriage and a 3 and half yr old son, her husband still sent her roses. Each year, without forgetting. Valentine's day, her birthday and their wedding anniversary... there were flowers and gift for each of these occasions. Often the celebrations wouldn't just stop there. This was always followed by a dinner and movie date too. For the 'nth time she blessed her stars to have such a wonderful, loving husband for life.
As she trimmed the stems of the flowers to arrange them in a porcelain vase(which was again a gift from him), her mind went back to the time when she was newly married. It was an arranged marriage. The horoscopes were matched, there were initial background checks, photographs were exchanged and finally a date was set for them to meet and "see" each other. When she saw him for the first time, there were no dramatic violins playing, nor were there any electric currents. He was good to talk to and seemed fairly decent. Assent from both the parties had set the ball rolling. Within no time they were engaged to be married.
The marriage ceremony that followed shortly, sailed smoothly with practically zero hitches. Before she knew it, she was trying to adjust herself to the new environment, new life and a new person she was to call her husband. It was an uphill task at first, but given the calm and adjusting nature of her husband, she was set into a comfortable routine.
All her relatives vouched for their "fairy tale" marriage. Some would say "A match made in heaven"... some would say "Your parents arranged a perfect love marriage for you." and still others would exclaim "You couldn't have asked for anything better!!!"
Her marriage was not that picture perfect, as others saw it. They had their own little ups and downs. She fought with him when he forgot to water their plants; he raised a hell when she misplaced his office I-card. She found it irritating when he invited a host of his friends at the 11th hour; he plugged in ear plugs when she started practicing her carnatic music. Though when last year their kid suffered from Measles; teary-eyed, both of them were up whole night to tend to their little life. Such was their household - Perfect with mini imperfections.
She sighed, realising the fact that she was leading a fulfilling life. However this realisation, always brought in a feeling of guilt with it. Did she actually deserve such happiness? Was this all an illusion created by her? Was she living under the pretext that she was happy, and that she is building a happy life for herself, her husband and her kid?
Her mind reeled back to the time when she was learning carnatic music during her college years. Her Guru was none other than her neighbour who was around the same age as she. He insisted she thought of him as a friend and not call him "Guruji". Chemical engineer by profession; pursuing carnatic music was more of a hobby to him. She respected him. She worshipped him. His hunger for knowledge and her thirst for music found a perfect rhythm. Feelings towards him started blossoming in her young heart. Soon she nurtured a special place in her life for him. She never thought it was necessary to express her feelings to him. Why should she? She knew he could see her devotion towards him. She convinced herself that he too felt the same. She saw her enriched life before her... her boundless dreams were getting closer to fulfillment.
One such day when they met, he broke the news to her. He was going abroad. That was only what she heard. "My college friend is planning to set up a venture there. We had talked about this long ago... things have started shaping up now... ... He wants me to join him there now... .... .... This is a life time opportunity for me.... " - all this fell on her deaf ears. All she heard was "I am going abroad." He hadn't said what she yearned to hear. As if to underline her cringing feelings he said "Be sure you get married next year and not before that. How will I come? I cannot travel back within a year, right? By the way, your husband is going to be one lucky guy!"
And, the door bell rang again, announcing the arrival of her son from kindergarten. Her reverie continued in spite of the noisy chatter of the kid. She never mentioned having feelings for her music teacher to her husband. She never thought it was necessary. What would she say? After all, she had never confessed her feelings to her teacher. He had never acknowledged them either. It wasn't obsessive love. Then what was it?
Emotions surged within her. Was she doing the right thing by not letting her husband know about this phase of her life? Would this compound truth rip out their love, trust and respect? Would he shrug it off? Laugh it off? or will it haunt him for the rest of his life? Was that phase really "love" or was it infatuation? Her music teacher, her friend, was he just like a supportive elder brother? Had she misread his intentions? Was she betraying her husband? Was she masking herself... or at least a part of herself? What would happen to her 6 year old marriage? Should she tell him the truth? Or should she dare conceal it?
No, not this time, she thought, today is just too perfect.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Placing yourself in her shoes, what would you do?
After 6 years of marriage and a 3 and half yr old son, her husband still sent her roses. Each year, without forgetting. Valentine's day, her birthday and their wedding anniversary... there were flowers and gift for each of these occasions. Often the celebrations wouldn't just stop there. This was always followed by a dinner and movie date too. For the 'nth time she blessed her stars to have such a wonderful, loving husband for life.
As she trimmed the stems of the flowers to arrange them in a porcelain vase(which was again a gift from him), her mind went back to the time when she was newly married. It was an arranged marriage. The horoscopes were matched, there were initial background checks, photographs were exchanged and finally a date was set for them to meet and "see" each other. When she saw him for the first time, there were no dramatic violins playing, nor were there any electric currents. He was good to talk to and seemed fairly decent. Assent from both the parties had set the ball rolling. Within no time they were engaged to be married.
The marriage ceremony that followed shortly, sailed smoothly with practically zero hitches. Before she knew it, she was trying to adjust herself to the new environment, new life and a new person she was to call her husband. It was an uphill task at first, but given the calm and adjusting nature of her husband, she was set into a comfortable routine.
All her relatives vouched for their "fairy tale" marriage. Some would say "A match made in heaven"... some would say "Your parents arranged a perfect love marriage for you." and still others would exclaim "You couldn't have asked for anything better!!!"
Her marriage was not that picture perfect, as others saw it. They had their own little ups and downs. She fought with him when he forgot to water their plants; he raised a hell when she misplaced his office I-card. She found it irritating when he invited a host of his friends at the 11th hour; he plugged in ear plugs when she started practicing her carnatic music. Though when last year their kid suffered from Measles; teary-eyed, both of them were up whole night to tend to their little life. Such was their household - Perfect with mini imperfections.
She sighed, realising the fact that she was leading a fulfilling life. However this realisation, always brought in a feeling of guilt with it. Did she actually deserve such happiness? Was this all an illusion created by her? Was she living under the pretext that she was happy, and that she is building a happy life for herself, her husband and her kid?
Her mind reeled back to the time when she was learning carnatic music during her college years. Her Guru was none other than her neighbour who was around the same age as she. He insisted she thought of him as a friend and not call him "Guruji". Chemical engineer by profession; pursuing carnatic music was more of a hobby to him. She respected him. She worshipped him. His hunger for knowledge and her thirst for music found a perfect rhythm. Feelings towards him started blossoming in her young heart. Soon she nurtured a special place in her life for him. She never thought it was necessary to express her feelings to him. Why should she? She knew he could see her devotion towards him. She convinced herself that he too felt the same. She saw her enriched life before her... her boundless dreams were getting closer to fulfillment.
One such day when they met, he broke the news to her. He was going abroad. That was only what she heard. "My college friend is planning to set up a venture there. We had talked about this long ago... things have started shaping up now... ... He wants me to join him there now... .... .... This is a life time opportunity for me.... " - all this fell on her deaf ears. All she heard was "I am going abroad." He hadn't said what she yearned to hear. As if to underline her cringing feelings he said "Be sure you get married next year and not before that. How will I come? I cannot travel back within a year, right? By the way, your husband is going to be one lucky guy!"
And, the door bell rang again, announcing the arrival of her son from kindergarten. Her reverie continued in spite of the noisy chatter of the kid. She never mentioned having feelings for her music teacher to her husband. She never thought it was necessary. What would she say? After all, she had never confessed her feelings to her teacher. He had never acknowledged them either. It wasn't obsessive love. Then what was it?
Emotions surged within her. Was she doing the right thing by not letting her husband know about this phase of her life? Would this compound truth rip out their love, trust and respect? Would he shrug it off? Laugh it off? or will it haunt him for the rest of his life? Was that phase really "love" or was it infatuation? Her music teacher, her friend, was he just like a supportive elder brother? Had she misread his intentions? Was she betraying her husband? Was she masking herself... or at least a part of herself? What would happen to her 6 year old marriage? Should she tell him the truth? Or should she dare conceal it?
No, not this time, she thought, today is just too perfect.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Placing yourself in her shoes, what would you do?
Friday, 12 February 2010
I am 25!
It's my Birthday today! :D 25 years successfully completed! :)
Of course, of my total 25 years, I remember 20 years properly i.e. about the time we moved to Pune. Thus, I shall account for only those 20 years that's stuck to my memory.
April 1990 :: New home. New School. New area; almost devoid of human population. I faintly remember hovering around amma and V; for I was lacking friends.
I remember -
playing Hide n Seek with amma as soon as we came home from school.
racing up the stairs with V to see "Who touches the main door first?" More often than not, he won!
not liking my class teacher, Mrs. De Silva; and praying each day that she be absent. "Oh please god please, let her fall sick today!"
participating in a song and dance performance for school annual day "There was a little Princess...". (Mukta, were you the princess??)I remember searching for my parents in the auditorium when, accidentally, I was the only one standing in front of the large audience after the curtain was drawn. I can never forget their smile which gave me the courage to stand there, without crying, despite the huge lump in my throat.
1991 - 1994 :: School time. Some new friends. New games. Amma's strict warning "Come back home by 7 PM... anytime later will not be tolerated". This discipline stayed throughout. Even today, though deadlines have been eased out, I still need to report my whereabouts including details - with who I am, where am I going and a rough estimate on when I get back.
1995 - 1999 :: Major metamorphosis. From a child to adolescent. From a kid sister to younger sister. From a frolicking-playing-care-free-daughter to ideally-should-be-mature-daughter. From a friend to best friend. Opinion clashes - with amma, with V, with friends. In short, adolescence at its helm.
2000 :: At the threshold of "LIFE". SSC board exams. Still undecided future prospects. V's accident. Domestic hitches. Advices pouring in. Suggestions wafting by. Confusions galore.
2001 :: First glimpse of BMCC, where I was to spend my next 5 years, until I graduated. Fear of ragging. New friends again. New relations. New realization. New found "Rebellious ME".Licked freedom for the very first time. Bunked Pharande's Maths lecture. Got firing from amma. Met my BFF, Pallavi.
2002 :: HSC Board. "Bring it on" attitude. Prodding into college activities.
2003 - 2005 :: Freedom at its best. No lectures attended. Blacklisted. Squirmed out from the parents-teacher meet situation. Extended childhood at home. Certificates for Extra curricular activities. Discovered my liking for French. Alliance Francaise followed shortly.
2005 - 2007 :: Officially/ Unofficially/ Casually/ Formally/ Socially, FINALLY, according to people and parents, I was of marriageable age. Search parties let out to find "THE" one for me. Despite the complaints, despite the tantrums, despite pleadings, despite emotional blackmails... search continued. Reluctance to attend social functions for the fear of being "spotted" by the prospective groom's family. Break from French classes. MBA/ DBM classes occupied evening time.
2007 - 2008 :: French Resumed. Completed Diplome with Distinction. Hunt for job begun. Landed one for teaching French at an institute.
2008-2009 :: Still teaching French. Frustration at so called-job. Suggestions from amma for a small compromise regarding job aspects. Stubborn-ness not to compromise and stick to what I thought. Grooms pouring in with myriad "expectations". Aunts calling up to "suggest" "great matches" for me. Only to be thrown away with a side-glance.
2009 Beginning :: Job hunt still on the go. Interviews here and there. Self assurance of doomed future. Met a stranger... and soon forgotten.
2009 Mid :: Singapore trip for a whole month and half. Refreshing stay. Away from frustrations. Away from groom-hunts. V, N and Baby J and fun. Baby J's unending fever. Tensions.
2009 Mid :: Furious job hunt. Landed 3 interviews. Got through all three. I got to choose one of them. The stranger and me, met once again.
2009 Mid - End :: Office -home, home- office. Fun at office. One of my best friend gets married. Stranger was a friend now.
2009 Mid - End :: Routine set in. Enjoyed the routine. Small hitches in office life. Blinded by friendship.
2009 December :: A curtain raiser for me. A clearer vision. Friend was not "just a friend". There was more to it than just friendship. Got respective parents involved. Parents meet. Parents say "yes" and a happy "yes" at that. I welcomed Kiran in my life...
2010 :: Kiran who was once upon a time a stranger, then a friend, then a great friend became my boyfriend, my lover and is now my fiancé and will soon be my life partner. Preparations for a new life begins...
One chapter of my life ends here. Only to start writing a new one after a few more days. As amma says "This is your last birthday as "Prabhu"."
Of course there was more to it than I have mentioned here. In a nutshell, however, this is how my 20 years would look like.
Of course there was more to it than I have mentioned here. In a nutshell, however, this is how my 20 years would look like.
A new set of relations to be handled, new responsibilities, changed status and balancing acts will soon start. It scares me... it excites me, nonetheless.
I guess, at 50 I'll make another post like this, accounting for the life journey from now till then.
P.S. This rocked!
:) :) :)
P.S. This rocked!
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Smiles all around me
I'm genuinely happy!! :) :) :) In addition to "my obvious reasons" to be happy, there are certain other stuff, biiiiig stuff rather, that's keeping a smile pasted on my face 24*7.
It actually brings me to new heights of happiness when I hear "getting hitched" news from friends. Especially when the "getting hitched" part has a nice story behind it and friends willingly share it with you.
I was over the moon when a school friend of mine (just 10 mins back) broke the news to me while I was narrating "my story" to her. What do you do when gaiety multiplies? Smile so hard that your facial muscles stretch, strain and pain, but still you don't want to let go of that smile. This is just one of such blasting news that triggered this post.
It feels like a season of "being congratulated" and "congratulating others". A friend found a job, another found a life partner, yet another is in the process of dumping her current boyfriend and finding a new one, one more friend is in line for some good career surprises... all in all, a good time to celebrate.
I didn't know that good news too, spreads like fire. :) I was amazed to hear my childhood friend's voice from Dehradun calling to wish me and drop in a tip or two about married life; plus an invitation to stay over at their place. It is baffling, even for me, to acknowledge such depth of friendship - no matter how long we have not talked to each other, no matter how many times we break the promises of catching up when she's here... we always manage to start from where we have left...
And for some people who I thought never cared a damn if I existed or not, are holding me close and saying "it'll not be the same without you."
I guess, this occasion in my life will tighten my bonds with people around me.
A reason to smile is always welcome and what more could it be when friends and family find you worthy of sharing it?
It actually brings me to new heights of happiness when I hear "getting hitched" news from friends. Especially when the "getting hitched" part has a nice story behind it and friends willingly share it with you.
I was over the moon when a school friend of mine (just 10 mins back) broke the news to me while I was narrating "my story" to her. What do you do when gaiety multiplies? Smile so hard that your facial muscles stretch, strain and pain, but still you don't want to let go of that smile. This is just one of such blasting news that triggered this post.
It feels like a season of "being congratulated" and "congratulating others". A friend found a job, another found a life partner, yet another is in the process of dumping her current boyfriend and finding a new one, one more friend is in line for some good career surprises... all in all, a good time to celebrate.
I didn't know that good news too, spreads like fire. :) I was amazed to hear my childhood friend's voice from Dehradun calling to wish me and drop in a tip or two about married life; plus an invitation to stay over at their place. It is baffling, even for me, to acknowledge such depth of friendship - no matter how long we have not talked to each other, no matter how many times we break the promises of catching up when she's here... we always manage to start from where we have left...
And for some people who I thought never cared a damn if I existed or not, are holding me close and saying "it'll not be the same without you."
I guess, this occasion in my life will tighten my bonds with people around me.
A reason to smile is always welcome and what more could it be when friends and family find you worthy of sharing it?
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Change of Status
Haaaa.. it feels good to be back to blogging again... seems like ages since I last blogged. Well, what happened since the last time I posted a blog post? Believe me, lots! Yes, I do know that I was supposed to reveal details about "the guy" I couldn't say no to....
Sadly, as you all already know it, I'm a serial procrastinator and believe in 'why do something today when you can put it off for tomorrow'; I obviously did not blog.
Coming back to where I started... from December 21st to today, my status has changed from "Still Single" to "in a relationship" to "Engaged". Trust me, even though the days seemed to drag by, I never realised when all this happened within a flash. Everyone's bombarding me with questions and i'm trying my best to answer them. As a result, now, every person that's not so special or not even a friend knows the history and my close friends are still clueless. I'm honestly lost and do not know who knows/ doesn't know about my "changed relationship status".
Anyway, the biiiiiiiiig day falls on April 9th this year... and I'm all :D :D :D !!
I have put in my resignation at work place and am gonna be working for next 15 days ONLY! I'm happy that I'll have some time to be at home; while I'm sad that I'll miss all the fun we've had at the office with my insane colleagues. Yes, I'm not leaving a chance of blogging about them. One post exclusively dedicated to them will come up...sooner or later.
And reserving the Best for the Last - The guy I couldn't say a 'no' to happens to be Kiranraj Kamath; you know him as KK in the comments section. :) :) :)
We are happily welcoming Good Wishes and Blessings! :)
Sadly, as you all already know it, I'm a serial procrastinator and believe in 'why do something today when you can put it off for tomorrow'; I obviously did not blog.
Coming back to where I started... from December 21st to today, my status has changed from "Still Single" to "in a relationship" to "Engaged". Trust me, even though the days seemed to drag by, I never realised when all this happened within a flash. Everyone's bombarding me with questions and i'm trying my best to answer them. As a result, now, every person that's not so special or not even a friend knows the history and my close friends are still clueless. I'm honestly lost and do not know who knows/ doesn't know about my "changed relationship status".
Anyway, the biiiiiiiiig day falls on April 9th this year... and I'm all :D :D :D !!
I have put in my resignation at work place and am gonna be working for next 15 days ONLY! I'm happy that I'll have some time to be at home; while I'm sad that I'll miss all the fun we've had at the office with my insane colleagues. Yes, I'm not leaving a chance of blogging about them. One post exclusively dedicated to them will come up...sooner or later.
And reserving the Best for the Last - The guy I couldn't say a 'no' to happens to be Kiranraj Kamath; you know him as KK in the comments section. :) :) :)
We are happily welcoming Good Wishes and Blessings! :)
Monday, 21 December 2009
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Shraddha's going! :'(
All this while I have been disregarding the fact that one of my childhood best friends, Shraddha, is now married and will go elsewhere to be with her better half... start a new life. Today while online, she breaks the news to me. Visa approved, I'm leaving next weekend, the chat read. Instantly I felt a pang in me. It is very difficult to say what I felt.
Tejaswini, Shraddha and Purnima. We have always been THE three gals always seen together. I don't even know how long we have been friends. It was way back in the 90s. All three of us in hideous frilly frocks, mis matching hairbands and sandals, but friendship so solid that our parents had to pull us apart whenever we met at some GSB functions. Then, we'd never had enough of playing hide n seek with each other. Now, we still haven't had enough of each others' company.
We ONLY met during GSB functions when we were kids. We weren't in the same school. nor did we live in same area that we could visit each other often. Even after SSC we went in for different streams. Tejaswini- Science, Shraddha - arts and me - commerce. Three different colleges. Three different dreams. But still there was our friendship that remained. Cell phones changed our lives. Orkut and G chats embellished it further. now we were just a click away from each other and our mothers had to pull us away from our respective PCs. Such were our chat histories. We talked about inane stuff, bitched about "supposed-to-be-stud" guys on Orkut, swapped news about everything n nothing, crashed in on others' scrapbooks, spied on snaps and found out true stories, declared ourselves better that FBI...
There came a point in life when parents got serious about marriage stuff. We three were told that we were supposedly of "marriageable age". We revolted. We screamed, shouted and supported each others' opinion that we ARE still kids and we WON'T get married.
Slowly, we had to accept the fact that parents won't let us off the hook. Indeed it is time to take a new look at life. We started teasing each other... you first... NO you first.. I'm younger than you... Tu badi hai re...teri pehle honi chahiye... shaadi main bula kya...we'll come for free khaana...
Finally there came a day when Shrads announced that she'll soon be committed and married within 20 days flat. and that she will be flying to Germany. It didn't register. ... I attended her marriage... it still didn't register. I met her after marriage and teased her to the point that she was embarrassed.. it still didn't register.
However, today she says, she's going away... It hits hard. I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. I couldn't even talk to Tejaswini about it, because she was stating the obvious. All of us are having the same feeling. It feels like someones burnt a hole in my heart.
Today tis Shrads, tomorrow tis gonna be TJ... after that it'll be Pallavi... one fine day, it'll be me. Life's just not fair! I have complained soo many times and it still stares back at me. Mom tried convincing me, consoling me, scolding me. But the sinking feeling doesn't go away. I wish I could hold back my time.... capture it and keep it safe for no one to take it away from me.
Shrads, we know you are gonna have a wonderful life with Hrishikesh. He'll take good care of you... Wherever you are, remember that there are 2 MAD girls in LOVE with you, who'll miss you. Tis never gonna be same for me n TJ.
I hate posting this.
Tejaswini, Shraddha and Purnima. We have always been THE three gals always seen together. I don't even know how long we have been friends. It was way back in the 90s. All three of us in hideous frilly frocks, mis matching hairbands and sandals, but friendship so solid that our parents had to pull us apart whenever we met at some GSB functions. Then, we'd never had enough of playing hide n seek with each other. Now, we still haven't had enough of each others' company.
We ONLY met during GSB functions when we were kids. We weren't in the same school. nor did we live in same area that we could visit each other often. Even after SSC we went in for different streams. Tejaswini- Science, Shraddha - arts and me - commerce. Three different colleges. Three different dreams. But still there was our friendship that remained. Cell phones changed our lives. Orkut and G chats embellished it further. now we were just a click away from each other and our mothers had to pull us away from our respective PCs. Such were our chat histories. We talked about inane stuff, bitched about "supposed-to-be-stud" guys on Orkut, swapped news about everything n nothing, crashed in on others' scrapbooks, spied on snaps and found out true stories, declared ourselves better that FBI...
There came a point in life when parents got serious about marriage stuff. We three were told that we were supposedly of "marriageable age". We revolted. We screamed, shouted and supported each others' opinion that we ARE still kids and we WON'T get married.
Slowly, we had to accept the fact that parents won't let us off the hook. Indeed it is time to take a new look at life. We started teasing each other... you first... NO you first.. I'm younger than you... Tu badi hai re...teri pehle honi chahiye... shaadi main bula kya...we'll come for free khaana...
Finally there came a day when Shrads announced that she'll soon be committed and married within 20 days flat. and that she will be flying to Germany. It didn't register. ... I attended her marriage... it still didn't register. I met her after marriage and teased her to the point that she was embarrassed.. it still didn't register.
However, today she says, she's going away... It hits hard. I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. I couldn't even talk to Tejaswini about it, because she was stating the obvious. All of us are having the same feeling. It feels like someones burnt a hole in my heart.
Today tis Shrads, tomorrow tis gonna be TJ... after that it'll be Pallavi... one fine day, it'll be me. Life's just not fair! I have complained soo many times and it still stares back at me. Mom tried convincing me, consoling me, scolding me. But the sinking feeling doesn't go away. I wish I could hold back my time.... capture it and keep it safe for no one to take it away from me.
Shrads, we know you are gonna have a wonderful life with Hrishikesh. He'll take good care of you... Wherever you are, remember that there are 2 MAD girls in LOVE with you, who'll miss you. Tis never gonna be same for me n TJ.
I hate posting this.
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