A year of learning and growing

2013 has been an overwhelming year for me. With not as many ups as the downs. There is one thing about being in the downward curve. It is a great teacher. It teaches you things that you could have never otherwise learnt. It brings about changes - and those changes are for the better.

The whole of previous year has been full of disappointments. People have let us down; friends have turned selfish; situations took a u turn. No matter how much efforts we took, how many plans we laid down (for the immediate future, which was 99% to have happened) all fell flat on the face. 2013, we felt like a punching bag - punched every time in the gut. Even before we could gather our senses, there was another blow to us.

I am scared of uncertainty. I find peace in knowing what would or could happen. Probably that is why I ask Kiran a hundred times a day, "What time are you coming back?" Sounds maniacal, but that's me. The "don't know" factor freaks me out. Knowing the deal, preparing for the same and walking step by step on that plan, keeps me sane. I kind of like to be ahead of times and situations. Nothing disturbs me more than a change. Not that I am averse to changes. However the changes that suddenly came our way were mind boggling. We kept wondering what hit us that badly! It sounds exaggerated even to my own ears but there were enough twists that numbed us to the core.

Earlier turns of events (for better or worse) would aggravate me. It would disturb me to the extent that my whole day (and sometimes a whole week) would go sulking. These blows have hardened me somewhat. I have developed a thicker skin. I have learnt to shrug it off and stay indifferent yet connected. I am learning to find a solution rather than stare at the problem till my eyes burn.

From people point of view too, I am learning to be resilient. It is a work in progress to be lenient towards people. It is hard to let go, hard to forgive. I am getting there albeit very slowly. This in no way means I am to be taken for granted. I believe in giving people a benefit of doubt. That has helped me in attaining that peace of mind. Earlier I obsessed at the wrongs that people in name of friends, did to me. Now I submit it all to Karma. I allow them to get away with it because I believe that everybody's action has some reason behind it. Now even if that reason might not sound right to me, it was for them and hence they do what they do.

I used to be judgemental. I am again trying to chage that. Of course I cannot altogether stop forming opinions, but at least I can shut my mouth and keep them to myself. I have been on the other side and know how it feels to be judged for my actions and decisions, when others have no understanding of the situation. I know how it feels to listen to unsolicited advice when I know it is going to be a big wrong step if I followed. I believe in suggestions and not stubborn discourses. I believe in constructive criticism. It give the person a new perspective. Criticising for the sake of it or to feel superior brings in a lot of bitterness.

I didn't wait until the new year to form resolutions. This was an evolution that took time and experience. I did not force it upon me - it was forced by destiny.

I feel like I have grown up in many ways that I didn't in earlier years. It's like finding the pulse in my life. It's discovering myself in new light.

Frankly Spooking

Of late, the amount of books I read  has dwindled considerably. I prefer short stories to 500 page novels. I prefer easy English over impressive words. Yes, my passion is slowly fading or rather it isn't as fervent as it used to be.

Recently I made conscious efforts to push myself into some reading. I ordered a few books on Flipkart. While some from established authors failed to impress me; the debut authors floored me. One of them was from a fellow blogger friend, Sri. Though he goes by the blogger name 'phatichar', there is nothing phatichar about his writing, be it his book or the BLOG.

You probably wouldn't pay much attention to the book at one glance. Neither would I have, if I didn't already know of the author's writing abilities. 

 This is how the cover page looks like.

Pretty morbid, if you ask me. And only when you read the book, will you know how well it compliments it. 

Frankly Spooking is a collection of short horror stories. Having said that, it is not main stream "Zee Horror show" type horror. These mini shockers send sweet chills down the spine. They are fresh, out of the box and twisty. Many stories will bring a smile on your face, just because they are so unique. You will certainly wonder - "How did he even think of this?"

Kindly do not expect scenes in the morgue or a graveyard or a haunted haveli. These stories are built in and around our daily lives - homes, offices, basement parking etc. That is the USP of the book. It is far from the stereotypical horror flicks that we are seasoned to. 

It is a refreshing change from all kinds of love and marriage market stories that are similar to each other. If you haven't yet got your hands on this book, you are definitely missing on some serious good stuff.

Frankly Spooking is worth that space on your book shelf. 

To have or not to have

a baby part II is the biggest question that looms over new parents. Much like a sword hovering over; it keeps haunting day in day out. Not to mention parents and relatives who, albeit subtly, won't leave a chance to "remind" you (in case you are forgetting!).

What indeed are you supposed to do? When you are torn in between practicality of inflation laced life and life long guilt of not providing a sibling to your kid; decision making becomes tough.

I am at the threshold of all this. Now that Aarnavi is almost 2, the question looks at me in the face.

Since whenever I thought of my family life, I have always wanted two kids - one of each gender. Probably because that was how we were - myself and V. Kiran, on the other hand, was gonna be happy with just one. This was the time before Aarnavi was born, when we did "the talks" about kids. The whole of first year we have debated on and off - 1 v/s 2. The husband was worried about finances and I couldn't imagine that my still-to-be-conceived-baby would not have a sibling. I tried making him see the advantages of having a sibling. After all, he has a baby sister too who he loves to pieces.

'I cannot imagine my life without V. Can you imagine your childhood without N?' I would ask him continually. Even then he maintained his stand, while reminding me that what I am talking about is still a long way to go. There would be times when he would just give in to my wishful whining. (I guess it was to make me stop discussing the said topic)

After Aarnavi's arrival, opinions took a firmer shape. He was dead against having another baby. Seeing me suffer through the pains and miseries of pregnancy (which was perhaps ones of the easiest ones that women have) and post-partum, he wouldn't hear a word from me. And coming to me, even with all that I went through, I couldn't accept what he said. But then I decided it was best not to bring it up.

As the months passed, the pain, discomfort and even memories of them started to fade away. Aarnavi's growing up was a magical time. She was an ideal baby of sorts. Her milestones were bang on. Her schedule was fixed. She was a happy baby who despite turning our world upside down, kept us hooked. This time, in fact, acted as a catalyst for Kiran to change his mind. Since we were in the US with no help from parents or in laws; he go to be hands-on father.  His involvement with Aarnavi made him rethink the decision. The amount of satisfaction he felt in seeing her grow was apparent. He realised it wasn't enough. And he finally accepted that there would indeed be a baby 2 for us.

Many parents are happy with their first born. They have their reasons, and I believe they are justified. Each one knows what they can handle and what they cannot. It is true that in today's world, having two children is nothing short of a luxury. It isn't just "giving a playmate". As parents we are responsible for their upbringing - which means a lot of money. To make two ends meet is not an easy task.

And it isn't just money, there are few other grave things too. Like when I spoke to some of my friends on whether they would go for a second baby, many said they couldn't imagine going through those 9 months again. Others say they are oscillating between the two options. Still others are yet to recover from the shock of motherhood. As expected, these reasons are smacked down by mothers and aunties who have gone ahead having 2 kids or more. "Haven't we had babies?" is their smug question. I find it very daunting that such ladies are so indifferent to the pains of motherhood. I wonder why they won't try to understand the word "enough".

The fact that decisions are not respected gets on my nerves. From 'when to have the first kid' to 'what age difference is ideal between 2 siblings' - every damn question is under the limelight. No matter how wisely you have come to a mutual decision depending the best on your emotional preparedness, physical health and financial graph, it is always shot down by unsolicited "expert advice" doled out by previous parents.

We have decided to have the second baby (down the line), instead of all the extra luxuries that we could have otherwise afforded. We have come to decisions of our own, and have are not budging from it, whatever anyone says.

It is human to form opinions and pass judgment. But the least we can do is to be sensible and keep them to ourselves unless expressly asked. Such are sensitive topics and there can be no right or wrong. It is an individual family decision, and no outsider should be contributing to it.

Aarnavi's words

Aarnavi's babbles are getting more and more meaningful by the day. Feels like it was yesterday that she said her first word. It was "bakabaa". No one knows what it stands for. Even today we are clueless. Everyone who knows her, knows "bakabaa" but doesn't know what it means.

Anyway, I though I should list out all the words she says now, most in Konkani, some in English. Wouldn't it be lovely for her to read when she grows up? So here goes

Bakabaa
amma / mommy
annu/ daddy
ajja - grampa
aamanaa( supposed to be 'aanamaa') - granny (daadi)
taka taka - for her bua, Neetakka
mauma - granny(naani)
akka - didi
aNNa - bhaiyya
unkun - Uncle
aunty - aunty
mama - mama
mayi - mami
Deepi akka - Deepika, my niece who is her akka
Idhii - Ridhi, Deepi's sibling
baabu - baby
Umi mi - our house help who's name is Uma
Aanani/ Aananu - Aarnavi
Kamath
kesu -hair
matte - head
doyo (stb dolo) - eye
patti - eyelashes
nank - nose
ga ga (stb gaalu) - cheeks
onto - lips
potti - stomach
bembi - belly button
jibi - tongue
dant - teeth
kaan - ears
haath - hands
paya - legs
botti (stb 'bot') - finger
phathi - back
nankut - nails
daapad - diaper
desssh - dress
bhamba - ornaments
kaakan (stb kankan)  - bangles
kookum - kumkum
di - give
nakka - don't
jayi - want
busha busha - bath
no no no
mobaay - mobile
good girl
Tinka tinka, oww aye onda - twinkle twinkle rhyme
kaakaamaamu - crow, or for that matter any bird
titi - light/ fire
fan
ghakaa - home
mammam - snacks
bikki - biscuits
koko - lunch/ dinner
doodh - milk
chokit - chocolate (she doesn't eat any)
ada (stb 'uda') -water
ata (stb 'utha') - get up/ wake up
aniiiiiiiii - aaaaaaaand
pease - please
tenk ii - Thank you
appo/ abbho- when she wants to reprimand
ummeh - kiss
shoes
socks
appyii - apple
ball for ball as well as for balloons
cat ((which was earlier called 'tac)
dog (which was called god until recently)
passi - purse
booku - book
pen
Happy to aanaanu, o god bass oo - Happy birthday to Aarnavi, may god bless you!
cake
tel - oil
Phiss-phiss - deo/ perfume
bussi - brush
pasthi - paste
paakaa - iPad
paint - nail paint
liptik - lipstick
baniyan - vest
cyca - cycle
car
Beem beem - Chota bheem
sun
moon
yo - come
aggi yo - come soon/ fast
hanga asa - it's here
game
kaanan - stb kanadaka - specs
one, two thee,sis,eig, nine, ten -  when asked to count cars
buchi - cattle
goat
sheep
nayya - dog
duck
tiger
shish - fish
tu-tu-tu - rooster
phuppi - flower
zhad - plants/ trees
kaapi - coffee
khappi - scratch
makandi makandi - makka di meaning give me some
bibi - cashewnut/ almonds
teek - hot as in spicy
hoon - hot as in temperature
shaeko - feeling hot
undoo - laddoo
aabiyya - sit down/ or when she wants to sit somewhere
pusss me - push me
toggu - down
makshi - back/ behind
go
start
stop
ok
bhyin - i am scared
taaaata - sleep/ sleeping/ go to sleep
aa paa - high five
owdodo -how do you do?
Singham - her toy
Ten nan for sheldon, her favourite toy baby
mogu mogu - love
bandh - close
teddy
tata
byeee
see you
ayyayyoo - I love you too
okku (stb vakkad) - medicines
pip - clip
kad - take it off/ remove
ting tong - bell
aati - aarti
ehshee - AC
patta (stb padta) - fall down

That's some of many that I can recollect. She responds to questions and it is lovely to hear her speak new words almost daily. :)

Why I Hate My iPad!

So, I got an Apple iPad as a gift from Kiran for our 3rd wedding anniversary. Roughly 7 months back. No, it isn't as you think. It was a gift, essentially for me and not the husband. It has my FB and my Gmail etc. And the husband asks before he uses it. It is however a different tale with Aa. Whenever she wants it (which is every time I have it in my hands!), she yanks it from me. She screams, cries and throws tantrums till she gets it.

As soon as we got it, we installed many kid friendly apps for her. She enjoyed it too. In fact, 7 months back, she was younger and much more innocent than she is now. She dutifully watched the episode of Mickey Mouse clubhouse and was happy with just that.

I was to come to India all alone with Aa, who was but 1yr 4 months then. I was scared to death. I had no faith in my abilities to be able to take care of her and myself on the long journey. Many advised me that I carry the iPad with me which will keep the kid engaged. This boosted my confidence a bit.

However, it worked to my disadvantage. I was carrying a heavy backpack - food, milk, diapers, wet wipes,  extra clothing for Aa and me, medications, 3 passports - 2 mine, 1 Aa's, iPad and Aa. While at the security, Aa would take the iPad and run away. I, along with the backpack and passport dangling in one hand, would catch her and get her back in line. Trying to get her back was not an easy task. Her screams pierced the entire area and every eye turned on me. I was burning with embarrassment (not to mention that heavy backpack adding weight on my already fragile back), when in the process of picking her up with the iPad, I dropped our passports. Now to bend down to pick passports with Aa, iPad, the backpack and my fragile back was impossible. I had to let go of Aa and her iPad.

Aa screamed again as she wasn't then adept at the features of touchscreen. I gathered the passports and hauled Aa too. Thank you for noticing that no one bothered to lend a hand, neither with the kid, nor the iPad or the backpack or my back! And I was in no state to ask for help either. Tears came rolling down - some because my back was killing me and rest because of the extreme humiliation that I felt.

After the security check, I decided I had had enough with the whole dumb thing. I stuffed the iPad into my backpack which was now bursting at seams. The rest of the journey was much much better as Aa behaved.

Problems grew as she did. She has now understood the whole funda of touchscreen and opens my Gmail, Fb, Instagram and Pinterest among other installed stuff. She even plays videos of some hindi songs. She knows there is Youtube and her uploaded videos. Long story short, she navigates through everything on that thin machine! She gets frustrated when it doesn't work as she wants it to. Now how do I explain wi fi connections to her?

Probably since a month back or so, she started using it far too often than she should. Like I said, if not given to her, she would throw tantrums, cry and be unpleasant, which she usually isn't. There were days when she ignored all of her toys - even her favourite ones - and played with the iPad. I hated to see her getting addicted to it. We tried keeping it out of sight, but she demanded her "Paakaa" - that's what she calls it. And we would relent and give it to her instead of facing a big tearful drama, followed by exasperation and spoilt evenings.

It wasn't until some 10 days back that I had had enough. That whole day she had Paakaa on her lap and songs, nursery rhymes, and videos were playing on a loop. It drove me crazy. There was no bargaining either. I do not even believe in bribing my kid. Aa was quiet the whole day, ignored me, her toys, Chota bheem - rather everything was pushed away.

I talked to Kiran and we decided it was time to wean her off  iPad. We decided to go cold turkey. (It works very well with Aa. That is how I got rid of her binky habit too). She asked for her Paakaa repeatedly during the day and we told her that kakmaamu (a crow) has taken her Paakaa away and will return tomorrow. She kept asking for 2 days and both days we gave her the same answer. By 3rd day she had forgotten all about that dreaded thing.

We are in much happier place now. We have decided not to use it in front of her. We hide it whenever she is awake and just do not use it, however urgent it may be.

I have never been in favour of introducing technology to kids so early. I was/ am never proud that Aa can handle electronic devices. I hated for letting myself do it when I strongly believe otherwise. I have seen far too many kids who are glued to fancy products. Not just that, I know of a kid who has damaged 2 of his father's smartphones. I did not want my kid to turn out that way.

When I saw that it helped keep my kid engaged while I get my things done, I more than easily gave up my belief. I shouldn't have, but I slipped. However, henceforth I am going to avoid such slip ups. Now, Aa is not allowed to touch Kiran's smartphone. We tell her it is his office stuff and she is not supposed to touch it. It is difficult to keep that hidden from her. She is slowly learning... she tries to touch it and looks at me. One look of disapproval and she goes exploring some other thing.

When I think of it as a parent, I think it is my responsibility to help Aa understand what is a toy and what is not. It is important that she learns why she should respect boundaries and learn the values of things. I have realised that it is never to early to teach kids right from wrong. There is no use reprimanding them for their mistake that we allow them to make.

I agree there are times when even after best care, kids tend to indulge in mischiefs. Like the time Aa chewed at the charging point of the Samsung Tab (when I was busy with some other thing) and rendered it useless!

I do not want Aa to be a slave of technology, like I see many kids today. Even at a social functions, kids as young as 6 borrow their parents smartphones and play games. Unlike, in our times when we would be happy to see another kid of the same age.

I do not know how far I shall be successful in my endeavours. I am hoping to find like minded parents and involve Aa in real play time and friendship.

I wonder if it is as tough as it sounds?

That Pause, again!

It is during these silent phases on my blog that I am made to realise that I have admirers, rather blog admirers. A lot of you ask me when is my next blog post and why I don't write often. It is indeed heart warming to hear from readers, and the fact that they want you to write, gives a high.

Like I admitted to a friend yesterday (who asked me if I was letting it go); when I don't write, there is this constant nagging at the back of my mind. That voice keeps reminding me of how long it has been, how necessary it is and how I should gain some control over my non-writing phases. It is annoying to keep hearing that over again. And it is impossible to keep that voice at bay.

Yes, I have not been too regular on this space. And for that I apologise. In my defense (as an excuse?), I will say that I lack internal motivation as also the right resource. When I write, I put in a lot of thought, which requires peace - mental as well as physical. I need absolute silence. And a lot of time to frame it the way I do. I cannot fix myself an hour and write a post. It's just me. Even for a post that comes straight from heart, like this one, needs a long time. I write, erase and rewrite over and over. I re-read the post from the beginning after each para.

I don't just write. I indulge. How do you feel when you have that piece of chocolate? or anything that is your absolute favourite? Don't you love to take your time to enjoy the experience of that chemical reaction that is tingling every bit of you. That's exactly what I feel when I write. I like to settle down, take my time thinking and then let everything flow out.

I hate to be disturbed while writing. Any kind of distraction is not welcome. Not even music. It irritates the hell out of me. If I cannot hear myself think, then I cannot write. It looks like writing comes easily to me. It does, but only when all the above conditions are fulfilled.

Given the situation nowadays, it isn't too often that I get what I demand. It is hence difficult for me to focus and dedicate ample time. Nevertheless, there is such a lot that remains to be let out of the system.

Is it too much to ask for? Perhaps, yes. That's the way I function and to be able to function like a well-oiled engine, I just have to have what I want. :)

P.S. Next post coming soon.

TOUCH Thursday Prompt no. 1 - For that Friend I long

We grow to believe during our childhood, or schooldays that friends are forever. That the equation, camaraderie, comfort remains the same, come what may. I have learnt the hard way that nothing is permanent. Not even friendship. At least it is not the same as it started out to be.

One shares a relationship with a friend. And like many others, it goes through a sea of changes. It evolves. Some events bring friends closer while some tear them irreparably apart. Ego, betrayal, non communication, misunderstanding are the strongest and fastest killers of friendships.

To have a friend above all that would be difficult to find, but not impossible. Two girls that I have grown with and have shared so much, are at the core of my life. All three of us being the same age, go through similar experiences that life throws at stipulated periods. Empathy has brought us closer. Whether it was the pressure of board exams or anxiety of getting married, we have been through it together. We find solace in venting out in each others' company. Although we try not to be judgmental, it does happen. We blame; we have that unsaid I-am-upset-with-you phases. We are humans and we err. The essence of it is, we forgive misgivings and carry on like before.

Being there for a friend in happiness is desirable. The joy only multiplies. I remember when I broke the news of my pregnancy to these girls over a video chat. They cried. I had not expected them to cry over my great news, but they did. And in that just moment I knew these two were for real and for the keeps.

No one can deny the emotional support that a friend extends during the "down" part. Sometimes things get so bad that everything looks hazy. The mind is so clouded that it refuses to see a path through it. All you need is a fresh perspective and some non sugarcoated words of reason. Recently, some sudden turn of events left me perplexed. The chaos was mindboggling. Needless to say it was some encouragement that helped me pull away from the obvious distress.

I am absolutely keeping these two for an entire lifetime. We have discussed education, we have suffered the "groom hunt", we have undergone pains of pregnancy and infanthood of our kids. There is a lot more we have to see as a team. We may be continents and time zones apart, but we remain connected through hearts.

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This is my first attempt at writing prompts. While I was a little skeptical, I have gone for it this time since it is hosted by one of my favorite authors, Preeti Shenoy. Check out this link if you are interested enough in doing the prompt yourself.

TOUCH - The One You Cannot Have, is her next release.

And this is the banner

Interesting?