'I have to buy water colours!' I remembered, and said out loud to my mom.
3 seconds of understanding passed between us and she nodded her head reluctantly. I knew the nod of reluctance was because 1. I did not remember this when we had been out and 2. it was already past 8 in the evening. And yet, I was granted the permission. Why? Because she knew I was stubborn.
Triumphant, I passed through our gate, out on the road... it was pitch dark and eerily quiet. All the shops were closed, and there wasn't a soul in sight. Yet, for some reason, I was adamant to buy water colours. I thought a short sprint would bring me faster towards the shop. Before I knew it, I broke into a run. I passed the shop where I was supposed to go... I looked straight ahead... a billboard with "SMILE" written across it was flashing in yellow. I realised I was still running... my brain was unable to send the STOP command to my legs. My heart raced at an uncountable speed.
Somehow I managed to change my direction and head home. The street was still empty, black, stark silent and it felt like vacuum. My throat hurt from running, and I felt like I have swallowed a huge rock. All of a sudden, I saw a human shadow move nearby... but I was not scared of that...
...and I woke up with darkness and silence engulfing me. However, this time they didn't stir panic in me... I lay cocooned reassuringly in my own bedroom.
____________________________________________________________________
This was one nightmare that petrified me like anything, yesterday night. I woke up with a start and couldn't go back to sleep at least for an hour. I tried to make sense of it. I clearly remember, I wasn't scared of the darkness, nor was I scared of that doubtful shadow. I was scared of something that I cannot place my finger upon. If I remember correctly, the "SMILE" thing threw me off-balance. The whole thing was eerie and creepy!! brrr...
Any analysis?
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Purnima Calling Purnima
Yep! An announcement. I'm taking some time off for myself. Thus, in the coming few days (no count as of now..so it could stretch to a few weeks, or get over in 4 days flat), I'm minimizing my online activities. Naturally that means no chatting - Gtalk will not be signed in to and Gmail will be used only after disabling the chat facility.
No blogging either. As it is I'm suffering from something that prevents me even from opening my page. And it isn't writer's block. I'm just not in any mood to write anything (except this, that is).
Facebook account will be deactivated, as soon as I finish this post. Quizzes are going from bad to worse to worst to something more. Yet I cannot free myself of them, unless I deactivate it. Will be back, but dunno when.
As for phone calls - will keep that minimum too. Do not call me unless you are dying of not talking to me (and that better be a very good reason - "I called because you did not call" is not a valid reason), or unless your name is TJ, Shrads or Pall. Likewise, do not expect me to call you, or return your sms-es. So the best way to avoid being insulted due to non response will be, not to sms/ call me at all. I'll call/ sms if I need to/ feel like.
Yep, it sounds like I'm throwing my weight around, which is pretty much the case. I need some "me" time to do things that I love doing (read: cuddling with books) and, random other things that I have shamelessly been ignoring since a long time (read: bank jobs, clothes that need stitching).
So, please no "you don't call nowadays" or "where are you?" or "are you alright?" or "stopped blogging??" or "shaadi hai kya?". In advance, lemme tell y'all, I'm fine, in Pune, will take care, will start blogging as soon as I feel like it, will call if I'm dying of not talking to you, and it is yet not my shaadi.
Leave me alone coz I just need me.
No blogging either. As it is I'm suffering from something that prevents me even from opening my page. And it isn't writer's block. I'm just not in any mood to write anything (except this, that is).
Facebook account will be deactivated, as soon as I finish this post. Quizzes are going from bad to worse to worst to something more. Yet I cannot free myself of them, unless I deactivate it. Will be back, but dunno when.
As for phone calls - will keep that minimum too. Do not call me unless you are dying of not talking to me (and that better be a very good reason - "I called because you did not call" is not a valid reason), or unless your name is TJ, Shrads or Pall. Likewise, do not expect me to call you, or return your sms-es. So the best way to avoid being insulted due to non response will be, not to sms/ call me at all. I'll call/ sms if I need to/ feel like.
Yep, it sounds like I'm throwing my weight around, which is pretty much the case. I need some "me" time to do things that I love doing (read: cuddling with books) and, random other things that I have shamelessly been ignoring since a long time (read: bank jobs, clothes that need stitching).
So, please no "you don't call nowadays" or "where are you?" or "are you alright?" or "stopped blogging??" or "shaadi hai kya?". In advance, lemme tell y'all, I'm fine, in Pune, will take care, will start blogging as soon as I feel like it, will call if I'm dying of not talking to you, and it is yet not my shaadi.
Leave me alone coz I just need me.
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Look, Look...here's something!
If you are wondering where I have been all these days... I have been right here. My PC suffered virus attacks (no, I dunno how and why...and no, I do not visit notorious websites), and my laptop was hibernating somewhere in the drawer. Today, everyone's fine. PC recovered and Lappy too came out to breathe some fresh air. Thus, I decide to blog.
Ok, before you people congratulate me, you may have to read this. :)
Alright, fine, you can call me a show off, or childish, or even m'as tu vue categorie... but I still had to do it. Else, how would you ever know of my greatness, hein? I'm feeling like a kid who has won a story telling contest. I'm stupidly ecstatic. Let me come to the real reason why I had to shout from the rooftop... V n N know about my blog...they have read it and commented too. Parents know that I blog... but hardly know what "blog" means. So though everyone knows everything, they do not know everything. Get it? No? Leave it!
AHEM!
V believes I'll get the Booker prize. Well, I'm honored he thinks so... and have started practicing my acceptance speech. :D
A said "Lagta hai tu blogging main Oscar layegi" - I have a feeling, I'll be the only one walking the red carpet to accept my Oscar.
K said "Why don't you write novels?" - I'm still too young to do that, u'kno? I might start one... dunno if I'll finish it.
Yet another A was angry that he came to know about it through someone else and not me... blatantly disregarding the fact that I was buzzing him to tell him just that.
T said "congrats, gurl!! when did this happen?" - I had to guiltily explain that it all happened last week and though we met today morning, I did not tell you about it.
and finally mom said "show...hmmm, you look so thin in this snap!!!" **siighh** don't we really love our moms???
P.S. Comments section is waiting. ;)
Should I really name this?
Have you held sand in your hand? The harder you try to clutch it, the faster it seeps away... moreover, how would you feel if it enters your eyes? All the pleasure of watching it slip off is instantly replaced by the pricking feeling in the eyes.
Similar situations when you face in life, you are left utterly confused - you don't know if you like it...and you are not sure you hate it. So many things happen, with me, with others - friends, family, neighbours - that change the course of life. In these past 10-15 days, I have had to face so many different days - each with its own color. There has been a blast of good news es from my friends/ family, when I was facing my own difficulties. Being a part of their happiness was one thing... but I just couldn't ignore my need to sulk and to vent out. Secondly, I wasn't (and am still not) convinced that things have turned the right way for them. As soon as they broke out their news to me, I felt like screaming "No, don't do it"... but I quickly realised that they have already gone and done that... I had/ have no right to butt in and question their decision.
I guess that's the way it is and it should be. Nevertheless, I feel stupid, guilty and selfish for not rejoicing their decisions whole-heartedly. And I guess, that's the way I am, finally.
I think I'm done rambling. I'll start with a new post, right away.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Friendship is...
...when a friend will let her cell ring and not pick it up because she knows her dialer tone is your current favorite song.
... when 2 minute phone call stretches upto 20 mins because neither has the time to "meet".
... looking at each other, knowing what the other is thinking and laughing endlessly.
... pin pointing feelings through Gtalk n Ym.
... saying it's ok to feel bad once in a while.
... over-boiled maggie, undercooked veggies and futile talks over "suicide"
... when 2 people are in a mess and the third one sorts it out. just like that. and forces you to see the "bigger picture"
... fibbing about the movie timing because you don't want to miss the trailers.
... forcing friends to follow, read and comment on your blog.
... writing notes for each other on a hotel tissue paper and laminating it.
... feeling good and bad at the same time when a friend has a good news.
... receiving mail from a friend saying you were in her dreams yesterday.
... getting your leg pulled and laughing over it for years.
... trusting each other without batting an eyelid.
... feeling guilty for having felt betrayed, which obviously wasn't the case.
... not sleeping at sleepovers, spiced up with warnings from mother dearest.
... reminding for the n th time that the blog needs to be updated.
... forwarding pathetic Pjs over SMS even if it costs a fortune.
... fighting endlessly wherever and whenever you meet and still expect them to gift you for your wedding.
... chatting through Gtalk even when she sits in a cubicle next to you.
... writing one liner morbid testimonials on Orkut.
... flouting rules and turning innocent when caught.
... bitching about a person that you have never met... and will never meet.
... trying to keep up the conversation with "what else?" and "aur??" and knowing exactly what they mean.
... crank calling and SMS -ing and telling the tale to anyone who'll listen.
... grimacing when friends sing songs of glory about their addiction... lecturing... pestering... complaining... but still hanging out with them.
... fraandsheip! what else?!
To all my friends, a lot we have shared together and a lot is yet to be shared. Thanks for bearing me with all my eccentricities, mood swings, laughter and fights. I treasure every moment of our friendship.
... when 2 minute phone call stretches upto 20 mins because neither has the time to "meet".
... looking at each other, knowing what the other is thinking and laughing endlessly.
... pin pointing feelings through Gtalk n Ym.
... saying it's ok to feel bad once in a while.
... over-boiled maggie, undercooked veggies and futile talks over "suicide"
... when 2 people are in a mess and the third one sorts it out. just like that. and forces you to see the "bigger picture"
... fibbing about the movie timing because you don't want to miss the trailers.
... forcing friends to follow, read and comment on your blog.
... writing notes for each other on a hotel tissue paper and laminating it.
... feeling good and bad at the same time when a friend has a good news.
... receiving mail from a friend saying you were in her dreams yesterday.
... getting your leg pulled and laughing over it for years.
... trusting each other without batting an eyelid.
... feeling guilty for having felt betrayed, which obviously wasn't the case.
... not sleeping at sleepovers, spiced up with warnings from mother dearest.
... reminding for the n th time that the blog needs to be updated.
... forwarding pathetic Pjs over SMS even if it costs a fortune.
... fighting endlessly wherever and whenever you meet and still expect them to gift you for your wedding.
... chatting through Gtalk even when she sits in a cubicle next to you.
... writing one liner morbid testimonials on Orkut.
... flouting rules and turning innocent when caught.
... bitching about a person that you have never met... and will never meet.
... trying to keep up the conversation with "what else?" and "aur??" and knowing exactly what they mean.
... crank calling and SMS -ing and telling the tale to anyone who'll listen.
... grimacing when friends sing songs of glory about their addiction... lecturing... pestering... complaining... but still hanging out with them.
... fraandsheip! what else?!
To all my friends, a lot we have shared together and a lot is yet to be shared. Thanks for bearing me with all my eccentricities, mood swings, laughter and fights. I treasure every moment of our friendship.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Current Status
Since past many days I have not been able to
- write a new blogpost
- comment on my favorite blogs... even though i did read them.
- think properly
- give time to myself
- talk to my friends
- change my faulty SIM
- think seriously about switching from vodafone to idea
- express myself openly
- voice my opinion against "people" i hate vehemently
- find answers to pricking questions.
Everything is fine.... except my physical health and my mood!
- write a new blogpost
- comment on my favorite blogs... even though i did read them.
- think properly
- give time to myself
- talk to my friends
- change my faulty SIM
- think seriously about switching from vodafone to idea
- express myself openly
- voice my opinion against "people" i hate vehemently
- find answers to pricking questions.
Everything is fine.... except my physical health and my mood!
Thursday, 9 July 2009
I look back
My life turns unexpectedly. I venture into places where I never thought I would. I do things that I wouldn't have thought of doing otherwise. My impulsive decisions have led me to take a totally unexpected kind of route. And these decisions that I speak of are the turning points of my life.
Whatever I have anticipated, thought, expected or decided beforehand, has never turned into reality. I am an indecisive person but when I make my choice, it is made in a split of a second. Thankfully, till date I have never regretted my choices. Some have even called me immature, tried to make me budge from my stance, wanted me to rethink *like any sane person would and should do*... but I have stuck to what I thought was right. Here, I will not deny that I have derailed and have had to compromise for the sake of some people. But I guess everyone does that at some point of their life.
Me and V have been two different kinds - we can be even called opposites in this regard. He's a guy who has his head firmly placed on his shoulder. He knew what he was going to pursue after his SSC. He knew his capabilities, his abilities, his strength, his weakness. He has his career plans chalked out. You ask him where do you see yourself after 10 years; he'll tell his elaborate plans. And you can make out that he has done some serious thinking about it. He's been very meticulous in drawing his life picture.
Being his younger sister most would naturally have thought that I was sure to follow his steps. Have a vision. As far as I'm concerned, I don't even know my evening plans. Let alone plan for the rest of my lifetime. Not that I chose... I was lead to mould myself that way. I strongly believed (I say believed) that I wanted to go for Home Science after my SSC. Just till I got my results in my hand. I'd scored 80%. I told dad I wanted to go for Commerce. I didn't even know what subjects was I going to learn. Parents and V tried to talk me out of it since I "believed" I wanted to do Home Science. I stayed put. And thus, I turned and did not look back.
I opted for French as an optional subject in college, just because I wanted to escape from the "rasva-dirgha" of written Marathi and Hindi. And thanks to the french teacher I vehemently hated the subject by the time I reached FY. Come SY and I made an announcement to my dad- I want to do a course from Alliance Francaise! He asked me the reason and I mumbled something about French in great demand...and so was I let to do what I wanted. The real reason was of course, that one of my friend was learning there and was speaking fairly well. I didn't even know what level of French I wanted to achieve. I thought it was easy and so I took a plunge. No one stopped me this time. But I turned and now I'm happy to look back at it.
I was done with my happy-go-lucky days of BM...and I was still clueless. I thought the song "main aisa kyun hoon" rocked! I hadn't thought about a PG course. I did not want to do CA...after all, I'd passed all my accounting exams after serious rotting. * for those who don't get the idea - Accounts is like Maths... you shouldn't be by-hearting entries* But still thats what i'd done. MCOM? -Yuck who does that? - I said. CS - No booooooooring. MBA? I hadn't prepared for CAT. So was I going to lose a whole year studying for CAT? No, I wasn't. Anyways, parents were not so comfy letting me out of their view, in case I got admission elsewhere other than Pune. So I took the path that I thought would solve my miseries. *I was still doing French from AF since I'd taken breaks to accommodate my TY classes and exams* - I decided I'd do Distance MBA from ICFAI. Dad again asked me why I'd want to do DL MBA. I pushed my French forward and said I W.A.N.T. to complete my Diplome! MBA sucked right from day one. But I still gave it a chance. Again, I turned...and looking back at it, I regret my DL MBA with all my might.
I was now done with French. And it was time I forayed into the job market. This time I'd a faint idea of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a translator/ interpreter. But I also knew that I wouldn't be achieving it so soon. I had to have some experience working on my French before I saw myself where I wanted to see myself. I was hired at an institute to teach French to students. I was happy at the prospect of being a teacher...it was my childhood dream profession. The money they paid me was lesser than calling it peanuts. I was dangling between two minds - I loved the job... but the pay created a nuisance at home. Mom thought I was putting in more efforts for the money they were offering. I wasn't entirely disagreeing. Soon I started turning down their offers and started taking classes at home. I was content but still, still I was missing something that I didn't want to acknowledge.
Mom tried to talk me into a compromise. Why don't you talk to dad and get a job for yourself. So many of his colleagues/ acquaintances will hire you for may be accounting or some other job? I wasn't against compromising. But I felt dependent and incapable. I did not want my father to find me a job... rather land me into a job. I did not want anyone to say "This girl is Prabhu's daughter.... know Mr. Prabhu who is etc etc in etc etc company" That was like worse than death. I wouldn't even mind if my father told me to apply certain places. But I wanted to do it as an individual Ms. Purnima Prabhu and not as Mr. Prabhu's daughter.
Occasionally, my mother did try to prod the issue. I knew she was genuinely concerned about my inactivity. I could no longer hold my beliefs to myself and keep them suppressed under the blanket of civility. It led to an outburst from me. And the bottom line was "Leave me alone" I was feeling guilty for doing so...but I wasn't ready to accept that I was wrong in not giving in to my parents' concern. I was stubborn and angry. Even my luck wasn't favouring me. I applied in places where my kind of knowledge would help. But I ended up getting no replies. It was worse than being rejected. I was trying and didn't even know if I was failing. I was discouraged and demotivated. Staying at home made me feel guilty and suffocated. This time, I twisted and started doubting my purpose in life...why I existed is what I wanted to know. But I was too numb to feel anything.
As one day I was in an introspective mood wondering where I go next, again I had to confront an advise session. I knew by this time that I was the one who could stir up a hurricane or turn it into something better. I knew I'd to listen because I did not have a solution. Whereas, my insides were still burning and screaming that I wouldn't give in and so I wouldn't give up. I asked for a weeks time and said I'd try my level best to secure my type of job....something that I'd want to do...something that I'd love to do...something that'd give me pleasure and a smile on my face. If that did not happen, I'd bow down to your advice gracefully. Today is thursday and by next one if I do not have anything concrete to tell you, I'll give you a nod.
I contacted every friend on my contact list who could've helped me out. Furiously searched the net day in day out. and before the dead-line, I secured interview dates with 3 companies. I clinged onto my happiness. I hugged my pride. I passed all the 3 interviews. I put a finger on the one that I thought suited me the most. Well, it was a give and take. My job has got nothing to do with French... but neither is it accounting. I'm a content writer and I am content writing.
Know what? All thanks to my blog AND you, my readers and commentors. The interviewers read my blog and were impressed that people read it too.
Yesterday while I was working, I received a call saying they were overjoyed to receive my resume *please note the heavy dose of sarcasm*. That resume which I'd sent to them in November 2008 and hadn't received any reply for. They wanted a french to English translator. I smiled and kicked this opportunity to do what I'm learning to love to do.
Yet again, I turned. But I don't think I compromised. And looking back at it...naaah! I ain't gonna look back at my bad times!
Whatever I have anticipated, thought, expected or decided beforehand, has never turned into reality. I am an indecisive person but when I make my choice, it is made in a split of a second. Thankfully, till date I have never regretted my choices. Some have even called me immature, tried to make me budge from my stance, wanted me to rethink *like any sane person would and should do*... but I have stuck to what I thought was right. Here, I will not deny that I have derailed and have had to compromise for the sake of some people. But I guess everyone does that at some point of their life.
Me and V have been two different kinds - we can be even called opposites in this regard. He's a guy who has his head firmly placed on his shoulder. He knew what he was going to pursue after his SSC. He knew his capabilities, his abilities, his strength, his weakness. He has his career plans chalked out. You ask him where do you see yourself after 10 years; he'll tell his elaborate plans. And you can make out that he has done some serious thinking about it. He's been very meticulous in drawing his life picture.
Being his younger sister most would naturally have thought that I was sure to follow his steps. Have a vision. As far as I'm concerned, I don't even know my evening plans. Let alone plan for the rest of my lifetime. Not that I chose... I was lead to mould myself that way. I strongly believed (I say believed) that I wanted to go for Home Science after my SSC. Just till I got my results in my hand. I'd scored 80%. I told dad I wanted to go for Commerce. I didn't even know what subjects was I going to learn. Parents and V tried to talk me out of it since I "believed" I wanted to do Home Science. I stayed put. And thus, I turned and did not look back.
I opted for French as an optional subject in college, just because I wanted to escape from the "rasva-dirgha" of written Marathi and Hindi. And thanks to the french teacher I vehemently hated the subject by the time I reached FY. Come SY and I made an announcement to my dad- I want to do a course from Alliance Francaise! He asked me the reason and I mumbled something about French in great demand...and so was I let to do what I wanted. The real reason was of course, that one of my friend was learning there and was speaking fairly well. I didn't even know what level of French I wanted to achieve. I thought it was easy and so I took a plunge. No one stopped me this time. But I turned and now I'm happy to look back at it.
I was done with my happy-go-lucky days of BM...and I was still clueless. I thought the song "main aisa kyun hoon" rocked! I hadn't thought about a PG course. I did not want to do CA...after all, I'd passed all my accounting exams after serious rotting. * for those who don't get the idea - Accounts is like Maths... you shouldn't be by-hearting entries* But still thats what i'd done. MCOM? -Yuck who does that? - I said. CS - No booooooooring. MBA? I hadn't prepared for CAT. So was I going to lose a whole year studying for CAT? No, I wasn't. Anyways, parents were not so comfy letting me out of their view, in case I got admission elsewhere other than Pune. So I took the path that I thought would solve my miseries. *I was still doing French from AF since I'd taken breaks to accommodate my TY classes and exams* - I decided I'd do Distance MBA from ICFAI. Dad again asked me why I'd want to do DL MBA. I pushed my French forward and said I W.A.N.T. to complete my Diplome! MBA sucked right from day one. But I still gave it a chance. Again, I turned...and looking back at it, I regret my DL MBA with all my might.
I was now done with French. And it was time I forayed into the job market. This time I'd a faint idea of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a translator/ interpreter. But I also knew that I wouldn't be achieving it so soon. I had to have some experience working on my French before I saw myself where I wanted to see myself. I was hired at an institute to teach French to students. I was happy at the prospect of being a teacher...it was my childhood dream profession. The money they paid me was lesser than calling it peanuts. I was dangling between two minds - I loved the job... but the pay created a nuisance at home. Mom thought I was putting in more efforts for the money they were offering. I wasn't entirely disagreeing. Soon I started turning down their offers and started taking classes at home. I was content but still, still I was missing something that I didn't want to acknowledge.
Mom tried to talk me into a compromise. Why don't you talk to dad and get a job for yourself. So many of his colleagues/ acquaintances will hire you for may be accounting or some other job? I wasn't against compromising. But I felt dependent and incapable. I did not want my father to find me a job... rather land me into a job. I did not want anyone to say "This girl is Prabhu's daughter.... know Mr. Prabhu who is etc etc in etc etc company" That was like worse than death. I wouldn't even mind if my father told me to apply certain places. But I wanted to do it as an individual Ms. Purnima Prabhu and not as Mr. Prabhu's daughter.
Occasionally, my mother did try to prod the issue. I knew she was genuinely concerned about my inactivity. I could no longer hold my beliefs to myself and keep them suppressed under the blanket of civility. It led to an outburst from me. And the bottom line was "Leave me alone" I was feeling guilty for doing so...but I wasn't ready to accept that I was wrong in not giving in to my parents' concern. I was stubborn and angry. Even my luck wasn't favouring me. I applied in places where my kind of knowledge would help. But I ended up getting no replies. It was worse than being rejected. I was trying and didn't even know if I was failing. I was discouraged and demotivated. Staying at home made me feel guilty and suffocated. This time, I twisted and started doubting my purpose in life...why I existed is what I wanted to know. But I was too numb to feel anything.
As one day I was in an introspective mood wondering where I go next, again I had to confront an advise session. I knew by this time that I was the one who could stir up a hurricane or turn it into something better. I knew I'd to listen because I did not have a solution. Whereas, my insides were still burning and screaming that I wouldn't give in and so I wouldn't give up. I asked for a weeks time and said I'd try my level best to secure my type of job....something that I'd want to do...something that I'd love to do...something that'd give me pleasure and a smile on my face. If that did not happen, I'd bow down to your advice gracefully. Today is thursday and by next one if I do not have anything concrete to tell you, I'll give you a nod.
I contacted every friend on my contact list who could've helped me out. Furiously searched the net day in day out. and before the dead-line, I secured interview dates with 3 companies. I clinged onto my happiness. I hugged my pride. I passed all the 3 interviews. I put a finger on the one that I thought suited me the most. Well, it was a give and take. My job has got nothing to do with French... but neither is it accounting. I'm a content writer and I am content writing.
Know what? All thanks to my blog AND you, my readers and commentors. The interviewers read my blog and were impressed that people read it too.
Yesterday while I was working, I received a call saying they were overjoyed to receive my resume *please note the heavy dose of sarcasm*. That resume which I'd sent to them in November 2008 and hadn't received any reply for. They wanted a french to English translator. I smiled and kicked this opportunity to do what I'm learning to love to do.
Yet again, I turned. But I don't think I compromised. And looking back at it...naaah! I ain't gonna look back at my bad times!
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